It feels good to give

Shae and I decided a few years back that we really needed to teach the girls how to be more giving. We have been so fortunate to have a comfortable home,food to eat and a loving atmosphere. We wanted to make sure the girls understood the importance of appreciating what they have and being willing to give of themselves and their time to others. We thought the best way to do this would be to make a family goal to do a service project every quarter. This doesn't mean we have always been great at getting four family projects done every three months, believe me there have been times when we have gotten to July or August and realized we were a little behind in the service department. This year, I am happy to say I have been a little more on top of things. We have completed our first project and while in the past I haven't really shared our projects I felt compelled this time because it was near to our hearts. So what was it...?

We signed up to make blankets for the Linus Foundation. This foundations collects blankets and donates them to hospitals around the country to give to children who may need a little comfort. We first heard of this group two years ago when Adelle was in the ER in Nebraska. We were driving through the state on our way home from visiting family for Christmas and Shae's sister's wedding. As we were driving Adelle stopped breathing. We called 911 and they met us on the freeway and took us to a nice little hospital. Needless to say we were all a bit shook up and scared, but of course Adelle was frightened most of all. Realizing how traumatic the situation was for her a nurse went out of the room and came back with a fleece ducky blanket, wrapped it around Adelle and told her it was hers and would keep her safe. Adelle did not part with that blanket from that moment on and still sleeps with it in her bed. The nurse told me it was donated and after checking the blanket over I found a little tag that said it came from the Linus Foundation. I was so grateful for the time someone had taken to make a little blanket that would give comfort to my sweet girl in such a scary time.

Our family made ten blankets in all, two per person. We took the girls to JoAnn's fabric and let them choose whatever pattern of fleece they liked. I was so proud of them for being thoughtful of the fact that maybe a little boy would want a blanket. They made sure to each pick one pattern that boys would like too. I am not crafty by any means of the imagination but the foundation website had great ideas for no sew blankets that we could all do together. We drop the blankets off tomorrow and even though we don't know who will get them I hope it brings as much joy and peace as we got from the little ducky blanket Adelle was given.

No Fire, just more craziness

"FIRE, MOM there is a FIRE!!" this is what Cora was screaming as she came running down the hall to the bathroom, where I was quietly taking care of my bathroom business. Upon hearing this I jumped up tried to get my self back together as I go running toward said fire, in the kitchen, whereupon I found the pot of water I had been waiting to boil, boiling over. Just another crazy afternoon in what is generally my crazy life. I have to admit I wasn't very patient or kind with Cora after the fact. I moved the pot, cleaned up the mess all the while getting upset with her for not paying more careful attention to what the problem really was.

Honestly I was mostly just frustrated for being so quickly removed from the bathroom. I know, I need to be more understanding and patient, believe me I know but sometimes I just can't be the perfect mom, okay all the time I can't be the perfect Mom, I am just getting by doing the best I can. Today feels like a constant reminder of that fact.

The fire incident is more how the day ended. The day began in the bathroom with Adelle having a problem as well. She said it hurt to go potty. REALLY, CRAP and no not hers, that is just what I was thinking. This is my first week back at school and I really can't afford to miss. Yes, me thinking of being a good Mom again. After conferring with Shae, and discussing that she didn't have a fever and was otherwise fine we decided to send her to school and I would get her into the doctor as soon as I could. But, the office didn't open for two hours. Not long after being at school the nurse calls me and says "I am sure you know, because Adelle said you were with her in the bathroom, that it hurts when she goes to the bathroom. I think she needs to see a doctor." "I couldn't agree more" I told her "but our doctors office doesn't open for another 15 minutes and I can do nothing for Adelle until then. She said she was comfortable enough to go to school so I will pick her up when I can take her to the doctor." After which the nurse asked me to call when I get the appointment. Maybe there are other really delinquent parents she deals with, but I took that as her thinking I would not follow up and take care of my own poor kid. Yes, I know I admitted to being a little bothered with having to deal with the problem initially but of course my first priority is always to take care of my kids.

Lets just say that today has not been a day of flying colors in my life of parenthood. But hey the girls are all asleep in bed and tomorrow is another day. So here is to tomorrow and me doing better, or at least having a better attitude.

Why Nyn?

I have had many people ask since I started my blog, why do you call yourself Nyn? Well, it is all thanks to my little, or now really tall brother Paul. I am ten years older than my cute little, I mean now very tall brother.When he was a baby and finally able to start saying our names all he could say when I would say "Carolyn" and point at myself would be "nyn" as he pointed at me and repeated. So the name just kind of stuck. By the time Paul could say my name my Mom had kind of picked up on the "Nyn" thing and to this day still says "Hi Nyn" when I call. It is really fun having a nick name that I am not embarrassed to share. I mean really, when my husband and I were trying to figure out what to name our kids we would sit around and try to make fun of the names we picked just to see how bad it could be for our kids. Seriously I know when you grow up being asked (because your last name is Hogue)are you a Hogie sandwich among other things, you want to make sure your kids can have fun nicknames, like Nyn. Although, now that I think about it Nyn could also be Nyncompoop, but lets pretend I didn't think of that and remember how fun it is to just be Nyn because my cute little baby brother couldn't say my name.

Loss

A few posts back I talked about my sweet friend Christin and the struggles that she, her family and little Gracie have faced over the last year and a half. Gracie passed away this past Monday morning. After visiting with Christin over the last few days, and talking with her I feel like I can write this post and hopefully get my feelings across without being hurtful or disrespectful of their family and privacy. I did discuss with Christin that I would like to say something here, but only if it was okay with her, as I know their family is very private and I wouldn't want to comprise their love and trust in any way. She encouraged me to write here and so I will. It has been very difficult to come up with how to write on my blog what has been in my heart for the past week. I know that I can in no way understand how Christin is feeling. I also don't want to say things that are thoughtless and hurtful as I have been witness first hand to people who have done this to her. But at the same time, I also have many things rolling around in my head that I would like to put down here, so if after this long introduction you will please indulge me and understand that this all just me and my thoughts I would appreciate it.

"I believe that Gracie is in Heaven." This is what I told my own sweet girls on Monday afternoon, after we broke the sad news to them. I feel like I had already mourned Gracie and Christin's families loss for a few days before this happened. I had been by a few days earlier and it seemed like the end was near, and after hugging Christin and her sobbing into my shoulder, I went home and for the entire rest of the day felt the heaviness of what was coming. I was sad,but by now I felt some healing in my heart. But, after telling my own children about their friend, my heart broke wide open again. There is no good explanation why this happened and why Gracie. The only thing is bad things happen. That is not easy to hear or say, but it is how it is.

I have come to understand the importance of how different we all are and how we each experience loss in our own way. My girls have all had different reactions and I have tried to patiently love them and help them through their grief. Elise, has been quiet and tears seem to continually escape her eyes. I can tell she is trying to be strong for me, but her heart is hurting. Cora, can't sleep. Up until today every ten minutes or so she would burst into sobs and would just need love and patience until she cried it out. Adelle, initially cried very hard, but after asking many questions and continuing to ask everything that comes to her mind, she seems to be feeling okay.

Today, I finally feel like I can write about this without sitting here sobbing about the loss and hurt everyone feels. But the thing is that Gracie is no longer suffering. Her little body had taken quite a bit over the last while and I believe she is in peace. After seeing Christin and their family, I believe they are feeling peace also. C

Because Christin is such a wonderful friend and has always loved my kids as much as I do, she suggested we meet today before she went to an appointment. This way my girls were able to see that she is smiling, she is okay and so they can be too. I love her so much. She is having a most difficult trial and she is still willing to help me with my kids as they suffer too. I feel continually loved to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Though there is loss, there is always love and I have felt that more than ever this week. Love for my friend and her family, love for my husband and his strong shoulders that support me, love for my own sweet angel girls who need me as much as I need them. I am sad that Gracie is no longer here, but I love her and am grateful to have known her.

some weird cult initiation

I have been making good progress in healing from my surgery. That is great news, right. Except that I still have to wear skirts for two more weeks, but the silver lining is that the weather here is finally over 30 degrees. Just the fact that it is double digits brings great warmth to my hiney.

But, while my surgical site has been feeling better, I noticed my ear was really starting to hurt. I have been trying to ignore it for about a week, but today I finally gave in and went to my doctor. I haven't seen him in over a year, which is pretty funny to me considering all the other doctors I have seen. When I got there and visited with him about my ear, he checked in both ears, and said "there is nothing in there" ha ha! I knew that, I mean I am blond after all. Just kidding. He said "it looks all clear, so I was thinking based on the swelling in your jaw you have TMJ." "What is that?" I asked him. After showing me a diagram of my jaw and explaining that TMJ is short for some long name for the joint in my jaw I had a grasp of what he was talking about. Basically that joint in my jaw is swollen, like joints in knees and elbows can get swollen. If I understood right it is because of chewing gum, or grinding my teeth at night. After he told me what was wrong with me he asked how things had been going due to my surgery, I told him pretty much fine except that I am still having to wear skirts. Well he told me that is good, what he wants me to do, is take and anti-inflammatory, also know in my language as ibuprofen, not chew gum (WHAT NOT CHEW GUM)!!, and continue wearing skirts until I am completely healed.

I am devastated... okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but NOT CHEW GUM?! How am I going to live, I live on gum. I LOVE GUM! and most likely this is why I have the whole TMJ thing. Okay I may be a little bit over reacting because he said about four weeks of not chewing gum, but that is like a life time in my world. Why is gum so important to me? Well, for many reasons but the main one being my fear of assaulting people with bad breath. I have good dental hygiene but I am always in fear of being one of the people that is standing there talking to you and you are desperately trying to hold your breath because mine in your face is about to make you pass out. I went directly to the gas station after my appointment and bought some mints. I know, yet another of my very rational well thought out issues, but seriously, that is why it is an issue, because it makes no sense to anyone but me.

So, if you run into me in the near future, yes, I am cold, because I am wearing a skirt in the middle of winter, with nothing to keep my bum warm but the material of the skirt over it, and I am sorry if my breath stinks, I did brush my teeth, but I can't chew any gum.
I did say to the doctor after being given orders to wear a skirt and not chew gum, "Are you sure this isn't some initiation for some weird new cult? I feel like I could be converting."

Grandma Genny

This is our Grandma Genny, short for Genevieve. She is my mom's mother, and really one of the most amazing people I have had the opportunity to know, and best of all she is my Grandma. Today is her 77th Birthday and I am telling you this woman is amazing. She always looks young for her age and is so active that I have never though of her as old or elderly. When I meet other people, even in their late 60's, I think wow, they must be getting close to 100 with all those issues and ailments, but it is because my Grandma is so youthful that I am always confused about what age people really are.

We had the opportunity to spend yesterday at her house (she lives about three hours away) and celebrate her birthday. It is always so lovely to spend time there and our girls, her great granddaughters adore her as well.

Adelle still has trouble keeping track of which Grandma we will see. My girls are so lucky to have all their Grandma's still living so we have to call them Grandma "name here" so we know to which one we are referring. Well, Adelle hasn't caught on to the names as well yet so she comes up with things, sort of like personality landmarks to remember them by. At first Grandma Genny was "the Grandma with no eyebrows". This was so funny to us, because she does have eyebrows of course, but they are very light, so she pencils them in. I think one time Adelle saw her without them done up and for a long time called her that. Then, about two years ago when we went to visit, Grandma had bought mini cupcakes to give the girls for treats. As a side note her house is never in lack of treats, but she bought these just for the girls. That is another amazing thing about her, she remembers what you love and then always has it when you come visit. Adelle was so amazed by the little cupcakes that fit right into her hand that she was no longer "the Grandma without eyebrows" but became and is still to Adelle "the Grandma with the little cupcakes".

It is such a joy and blessing in my life to be able to spend my time with such a wonderful person. Happy 77th Birthday Grandma. I love you. You are amazing.

Guys named Kevin

I have this aversion to guys named Kevin. I am so sorry if your husband, child or father or any other close family member or loved one is named Kevin and I offend. It does not mean I think ill of you, I just need to get to know you better if you happen to have that name. Why that name? Well let me take you back to the days of my impressionable youth. I grew up in the Army. Always moving every two to three years from place to place. I loved it. It was a very fun way to grow up and I learned so much about people, cultures and life. (yes, I am wise in my 30's ha ha). Every time we would move my Mom and Dad would "adopt" a GI in the church we went to. This meant that this guy or girl would be over at our home on a regular basis usually eating dinner, playing games with us kids and generally feeling like they had a home away from home. This was always such a loving thing for my parents to do. I know how hard it is to be away from family so it was wonderful that they saw a need and filled it. It just so happens that one of the first army guys I can remember my parents bringing home was named, you guessed it, Kevin. Let me put your mind at ease right away and tell you that Kevin in no way harmed me or made me feel badly. He was a genuinely nice guy just trying to make his way in the world. So how did I come to have such strong opposition to him? Well, my dad used to like to joke that he was going to marry me off when I was 14. he would tease that the guys he brought home could some day be the man he would stick me with. Well, I being young and not very good at getting teasing (for the record I am still terrible at getting teasing) I took my Dad very seriously. The first time he mentioned that "hey, maybe some day Kevin could be the guy you marry, but not until you are 14" and he and Kevin had a good laugh I freaked out. At 10 years old I knew I had to take steps necessary to make sure Kevin NEVER wanted to marry me. I was a huge brat to him from that point on. I went to extremes to ignore him or be snotty, which ever attitude would fit the situation best. The funny thing is that at the same time Kevin was visiting our home another army guy Steve would also come over. They were buddies and my family really liked them both. Steve never bothered me, but then again Dad never said I would have to marry him. One day, I think as I was getting closer to 14, I found out that Kevin got married to a lovely lady named Charlotte. We happened to live close to them and I got to go visit. I felt a lot more kindly to Kevin now, because well he couldn't marry me, he had a wife. I was off the hook. But to this day, even though it is ridiculous, I have a bit of an aversion to guys named Kevin. I always end up liking these poor guys that have no control over their name. But it just goes to show, that if you have impressionable children that believe everything you say, are super gullible and don't get teasing, you could ruin them for life. Okay, not likely many kids are like that these days, but I am just sayin' watch out. And Kevin Hester, if you are reading this. I think you are a good guy :)

One of my kindred spirits

One of my very best friends is Christin. I think of her as a kindred spirit. We are born a few years apart but our birthdays are only a day apart. I feel like in so many ways she is truly one of the people I love most, maybe because I love me so much and she reminds me of me. I know, so self centric. But back to Christin, she is the mother of four beautiful children Patrick 14, Madi 11, Robbie 9 and Gracie 7. Being a mother for Christin brings so much joy. She is the most loving person I know. My kids wish they were hers, and Adelle has even asked once or twice if she could live with them. I love Christin so much that I think of this as a wonderful compliment to the amazing person she is. But now she has been going through a struggle that I can in no way relate to. It is hard when someone you love so much suffers and there isn't much to do but love them and pray.
Gracie, her baby angel was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her spine in October of 2008. From the time she was diagnosed and received multiple surgeries and then sent to St. Jude's, Christin has been at her side giving all the love and compassion she possesses and then some. Gracie was sent home in July of 2009 after nine months of intensive chemo and then radiation therapy. They found no signs of cancer left in her body. At the routine check up in October, a year after she was first diagnosed with cancer, St. Jude's doctors found that the tumor was back and was now in her spine, hip and brain stem. They told Christin there was nothing left they could do for Gracie at this point except help make her comfortable.
How does anyone deal with this kind of information? Well, they decided to fight. And fight they have done. But the cancer is strong and Gracie continues to get more and more ill and is in a great deal of pain. She is unaware of her diagnosis. Gracie is such a beautiful little girl as are all children, but while her body fails you see that her spirit is strong. There is such an amazing girl being held in a body that can not tolerate the cancer.
At this point, now that the holidays are over and all the family on both sides of Christin's and her husbands family have come now they wait. Wait for what? Who is to say but I know I pray every day for peace in their lives. Peace for Gracie, that her body won't hurt anymore, and peace for Christin that her heart will be strong to deal with this most difficult trial.
One thing that has been hard in our home is our children having to face a terminal illness in one of their friends.
Adelle asks almost every day if Gracie is alive. She started to cry today when I started to talk about what we could do for their family, she was worried the news was bad. I have tried to offer comfort, in that Gracie will be an angel here and in heaven whenever that may be.
But to be honest my heart aches. I have been at Christin's side physically and in spirit as much as I can and I know there is nothing I can say or do that will help. I know there is prayer and positive thinking and just being there, but it hurts to watch those you love hurt. That is just the truth of it. Life is unfair and bad things happen. I guess I share this so that those of you out there that read this from time to time might keep their family in your prayers and thoughts. They are in mine always and I feel like in asking for you to help, maybe in some small way I am helping them.

Thank you.

Really Guy?... Really?

The update first: I did see the doctor today and he said that I would need to keep that area clear for another two to three weeks, in other words keep wearing skirts in freezing weather. When I asked him if I could exercise he said of course, he had no problem with me exercising even starting today if I wanted. One problem, this activity usually requires ummmm.... pants or shorts of some sort... except maybe not in his world, but we won't go there. So I guess I will not be doing any running for a while, and I will be working out it the privacy of my own home. Lets all not try and picture that shall we.

And now really, no really my post for today. Have any of you seen the "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live when the news casters talk about a really frustrating subject and just keep saying "really" back and forth to each other. Well, if you have then think of the sound of that really as I tell this story. If you haven't then think of someone saying "are you serious" in a very annoyed tone, but then replace it with "really" and you will have the same effect.

I was at the girls gymnastics class, impatiently waiting for them to finish because my regular chatting buddy wasn't there and I had brought nothing to read or do, and heaven forbid I actually watch them do gymnastics. I did get so bored that I struck up a conversation with the guy holding a very cute little one year old next to me. He was there with his wife and other daughter doing a class and happened to know my friend, who wasn't there. They had even brought the friends daughter that night because said friend had just had her third baby girl a few weeks earlier. (I didn't say my chatting buddy didn't have a good reason for not showing up). As we talked about where we were from, what we did etc... The conversation of how many kids we each had came up. I informed him that I had three girls, two of which were downstairs in gymnastics. Of course I am a polite conversationalist and asked him about how many children they had (I should insert here that at this point his wife was now downstairs helping their unhappy daughter). He then informed me that they had two girls and were thinking about having more, but... his worst fear would be "to have another girl and then they would have three and no boys." REALLY GUY!? REALLY? Did he not just hear me say that I have three girls and funny thing, wasn't he helping a friend who had three girls? I mean that is fine if it is his worst fear, no matter how ridiculous that sounds to have as a worst fear to me, he is entitled to his feelings. I didn't say anything about how dumb his comment just came across to me, but I was seething a bit inside. To keep things in perspective, why should I care what he thinks, but when people are rude and tactless sometimes it really gets to me, especially when it is over something like the sex of children. Aren't the children themselves wonderful gifts (most of the time, when they are behaving) regardless of their sex and wouldn't so many people love to have children that can't regardless of their sex. I mean in what century and country does this guy live? I wondered if his wife had been sitting there if she would have said anything, but I am guessing she probably knows how he feels, she is married to him after all.
Anyway, I talked about this to the friend that was absent, due to the birth of her third daughter. I told her that I thought maybe the guy didn't realize what he had said and hadn't been paying attention. I mean we all say stuff we shouldn't from time to time, and I would feel awful if every dumb thing I said was held against me for forever. But, my girlfriend said that these same friends came over on a later date and he said the same thing again to them. I think the guy needs a brick to the head. Not because he should change his weird thinking, but because he needs some manners. I mean REALLY. We both have three girls and REALLY that is all there will probably be and REALLY we are managing just fine and don't feel as if we have somehow lost a big chunk in our lives.
Sometimes when people can't mind their own business and have the bad manners to ask me if we are done having kids and don't we want a boy I respond with "We have a boy, his name is Dad" We sure love him and while I love all the kids in my life boys and girl I don't think my family is horribly off for not having a little boy. I am sure he would be a joy, but so are our girls and REALLY if it is the worst thing not to have a boy than I am sure screwed up on what is wrong in the world like maybe the lack of a cure for cancer or poverty or hunger. But hey that is just me... REALLY.

New year, time to write a blog post!

So lets get this out of the way first, so I can talk about me :) Our Christmas was lovely. We spent it with Grandma and her husband Jim. We all ate ourselves into oblivion and had a wonderful time together. New Years Eve was a blast!! We spent time with our surrogate family, the Clarks, playing games and once again eating ourselves into oblivion. And now sad day, the kids have to go back to school and the "break" is over. At least for them. I go back to school January 25th so technically I still have a few weeks off. HOORAY!!

So what has been going on in between the time I wrote last, besides the holidays...well lots of stuff, but the main thing on my mind is my surgery. What surgery you ask? Of course there is a back story so here goes...

I found a weird growth/bump in my left upper thigh/groin area in the early spring of 2009. It seemed to keep getting bigger and more painful. I would notice it especially when I would exercise ie riding my bike or running. Finally around the end of September (my last blog post) I went to see my OBGYN. He was very kind and after examining me said "Well, normally I would say lets see how this plays out. I think this is an enlarged lymph node. But given your previous history of cancer I would like you to see and Oncologist". I immediately went into panic mode. I DON'T WANT TO!! That is what I thought anyway. I really don't like the not knowing and waiting that always goes along with this stuff. My imagination can really get carried away. I made the appointment and met with the Oncologist who was while very nice not very comforting. He didn't really have any clue what he was dealing with and due to the size and depth of the bump wanted me to get a PET scan or CT scan. So the scheduling was set, and I was supposed to know if this was cancerous in about five days or less. Well the day before my PET scan (now mid October) I was informed my insurance wouldn't cover it and I would have to wait another week and a half to get the CT. At last the day of the CT came and my very kind friend and person I have deemed my adopted sister, Martie went with me so Shae could get the kids up and off to school. It was at 5am. It took seven days for them to get back to me with the results of the scan telling me that there were no unusual or what looked like cancerous cells in the area. I was now passed to a non cancer doctor, hooray, to discuss my "options". Lets just say this growth was now causing pain that I could have cared less what it was, I wanted it out. So the date was set to get it surgically removed on December 18th a week before Christmas and about four days after my finals at school.
We had to be at the surgery center at 5am. So my Dad, who was visiting made sure to get the kids up and off to school. The surgery went well, but the recovery didn't. I had a bad reaction to the pain medication and ended up stuck at the hospital all day. But hooray the growth was gone and I could start to heal, or so I thought. On Christmas day when we got home, I was in a lot of pain. It had now been a week since my surgery and things didn't seem to be healing well. The next day I was in the ER getting a prescription for an infected surgical site and being told "try not to have anything on the area until you can follow up with your doctor." I asked how I should do that and the doctor suggested skirts. I asked if she realized it was winter and she said yes, that will be cold.
You aren't kidding it is cold. I have taken even more seriously my recovery. I took all my antibiotics and have not worn anything on that area since my er visit. This means I have had to get very creative about staying warm. I managed to find a jean skirt in my closet and thankfully have a few boots. But as you may know wearing the same skirt day in and out can get old, so I found a sweater dress at Target that I can wear different shirts with, knee socks and I am sort of warm. Lets just say if there is a good cold breeze the right direction my behind is very very cold. I will also never judge anyone for wearing a dress or skirt in the winter (not that I did anyway)/ But now I know they might have a really good reason, like trying to let a surgical wound heal.
I have my follow up with the doctor tomorrow and I am hoping to get the all clear to wear pants and exercise. I have not been able to wear pants for two weeks and not been able to seriously exercise since the end of summer.
The other good yet weird news was this. When I called to set up my follow up I asked for my pathology results of the lymph node they removed. I was told "congratulations, it was benign." What do you mean benign I asked, it was just a lymph node. "no, it was actually a cyst and good for you it wasn't cancerous." All I can say is I am glad that I listen to my body. When it tells me it hurts and something is wrong I do something about it.
So if I have seemed disconnected, and not much for blogging or anything else since September, now you know why. On top of school for me and the kids, their busy schedules and dealing with this I had a hard time wanting to communicate to the entire blog world my life. Now that it is out there and almost done I hope to blog about more things on a regular basis. I can't promise, but I will try.