My two cents - parenting and life in general

Last night on Father's Day I asked Shae if he had a nice day. He replied "It was a wonderful day, thank you for making me a Father." I hadn't thought about the obvious fact that without the other neither of us would be either father or mother. I was pleased that he had a wonderful day. To me the big thing I wanted to give Shae was a good meal, always get a man through his stomach, right.? *wink* I am not much of a cook usually so it is a big deal when I go all out. I made a meat dinner, this being pork ribs, shrimp and meatballs and to make sure it was sort of balanced we had a green leaf salad, corn on the cob and crescent rolls. I know I enjoyed it, quodos to the chef, and I am not a big meat eater generally.
I have gotten a little away from what I wanted to talk about in this post, that being parenting and life in general. After Shae thanked me for making him a father it got me thinking about something that I have pondered a great deal over the last 12 years and especially as this summer has started - What it means to be a parent. I know I don't have the answer for everyone but these few main points have really gotten me through over the last years.
First...we, parents and adults of this world, are trying our best to do what is best for the next generation. This means we all want the kids who will someday take over leadership and be parenting children of their own to be good, happy, and productive citizens in this world. How do we do this? Well, I have noticed that not one person does it the same way. There may be general rules we agree on like not playing with knives or around hot stoves, but the other stuff is up to each guardians discresion. But, and I mean a big BUT because we all do it differently it seems that some of us are harder on others, thinking we are better or know better what is best for someone elses children besides our own. In other words we judge. I am not standing out of the crowd here saying that I don't judge but I have a few examples I would like to share.
When Elise, my oldest daughter, was two we moved to California. We lived in an apartment complex full of young families. Elise at that age was what I felt like was a completely crazy child. She was never quiet and never held still and was into everything, unless she was sleeping and that wasn't even through the night at that age. I pause here to say, some of you reading this are now judging the fact that my two year old didn't sleep through night, but do you know if that would have worked for her not living in my house? Anyway, someone brought to my attention that if I would just do certain things differently Elise would be a lot better behaved. I didn't ask this person what they thought or if I should be doing something different as a parent she just starting telling me all the things she thought I was doing wrong as a mother and why. She only had one young child of her own as well and so I wasn't sure where she was getting all of her knowledge. Needless to say my feelings were hurt. I was really trying to do my best as a mother, especially because I hadn't ever done it before and someone telling me everything they thought I was doing wrong made me feel awful. I learned an important lesson early on. Do not judge what you don't understand and everyone parents differently, before you get into their lives make sure you try to fully understand what they are dealing with. This leads me to my second story on judging.
You would think that I had now after twelve years learned my lesson, keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. We all are doing the best we can to raise happy, good, productive little people. But, last summer I found myself doing exactly what I didn't want to do, judging someone I didn't know. I was waiting in line at the sandwich shop. I was about to place my order when a Mom walked in with two kids. She put one in a high chair and set the older at the table, but before coming to get in line she set up a portable DVD player with a movie going in front of the older child. I distinctly remember thinking "Geez, you can't even go out without have to bring along some mind numbing entertainment for your child." I know, super rude and judemental. At least I only thought it. On my drive home I remembered my previous experience and commitment to not judge other parents and then I felt horrible. I had no earthly idea why this woman had brought the DVD player, it was really none of my business. If that is what she needed to get through the day and having her kids out than why is it any concern of mine? It wasn't. I wished in my heart that I could go back now and get to know this woman. Let her know that I understand how hard being a Mom can be and see if there was anything I could do to help her. It is probably best to remember now that I keep that lesson I learned so long ago close to my heart, don't judge. Love others. Parenting is hard work and we are all in it together, right?
This brings me to my second point...it does take a village to raise a child. This may in some way seem to contradict my first point. I am not saying because we are all raising the children we can now be super critical of each other, no. I am saying that because we are all in this world together we should do what we can to help lift each other and all the children up to the highest point of goodness. We all come across children at many times in our lives. Some of us daily, because we live with them, and others less frequently, because we don't have children or ours have grown and gone. Regardless, children are around. We may come across them at the grocery store, or the movies, the swimming pool, or library. Even if we don't have direct interaction, our meer acts teach them and raise them, thus the village. Just by being kind to the grocery clerk or saying hello to someone you may not know teaches children to be kind. Yes, I have another example.
I was at the swimming pool. My children weren't with me at the time. A little girl was lost and crying. She came up to me in my chair and amidst her sobbing asked if I knew her mommy and could I help her find her. Did it matter to this little girl that I was wearing a specific kind of swim wear or that I might not look the same as everyone else? Not that I look much different but I am white and she wasn't. All she needed was some help from a kind grown up. We of course located her frantic mom. I understood how easy it is to lose a child that wanders off. I hoped that in my same situtation someone would be kind to me and let me know that they understood and were happy to reunite me with my little one. It takes a village.
Third...I want what is best for my children and so I do the best I can. I think every decisions I make through. The question I always ask is, would I let my kids do it? Would I be comfortable if someday they did this or wore that when they are old enough? If I can't feel good about it, I don't do it. Examples.....yes...
My friend Suzanne was going to Yale Medical school to get her Midwifery degree. I was and still am so proud of her for such a huge accomplishment. While she was there she sent me a t-shirt that said "Yale Midwifery at your Cervix". I LOVE that shirt. I showed Shae and asked if he thought it would be a big deal for me to wear it. His only response was, only if you aren't comfortable explaining to your kids what a cervix is. Well, that just seemed silly, of course I was comfortable explaining what a cervix is. Every single one of us on earth had to go through one to get here. There is no shame in that. So I wore and wear my Yale t-shirt with pride. I will probably pass it down to Elise. She fits into all my clothes now anyway.
My next example has to do with my belly button peircing. I will save the entire long saga for another time, but I will say in short that I have always wanted to do it. Ever since I was eighteen. I have gone back and forth over the years about getting it done and this years I decided was the time. Once again I asked Shae what he thought and he replied with the same answer we always give each other,"Would you let the girls get theirs pierced?" Yes, I said I would. When they are old enough if that is what they want to do, by all means. So I went and did it. The kids each have a different opinion about it. All three are deathly afraid of needles, like their Dad. So just the fact that a needle was involved makes them ill. Elise thinks is it pretty cool, but NEVER wants to do that, we'll see. Cora just thinks it is weird and I am weird, but that is her general thought about me anyway. Adelle, thinks it is pretty and will most likely be the one that wants to get it done.
When it comes to making decisions and doing things for a family, it is really important to remember that each mother/father/guardian is doing their very best and making the best decisions they can. We have to at least try and believe this before we get on our high horses about what we think is best for everyone else and their children. True, there are some of you that will say, no, not everyone is doing their best, and maybe your right, maybe their not. But I say, in that case, be good and kind and loving. Don't judge them, love them and their children. This is always easier said than done, but try.
Finally...we are all perfect parents, until we become parents. This goes back to judging what we don't understand. Until people have children they are responsible for rearing and raising up, they don't fully comprehend what it means to be that responsible for another human being. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them, it just means they need to be easier on those of us that aren't perfect. We are working on it, and some day they may just be as imperfect as we are, so please be patient.
And that folks is my two cents. It is not gospel truth and I don't even believe most people reading this will agree with what I said. I feel like it is cathartic and good for me to have a place to share my thoughts, and put it out there in the world. We are all different, but hopefully all working towards a greater good, by starting with bettering ourselves. I know that is what I am trying to do.