It's my fault

I have so many just plain airhead moments it is hard to keep track of them all but yesterday's was more memorable than most of the normal ones. I was in my swimming suit, driving home from the pool with my kids and two of their friends. We were at a stop light and the kids asked me a question. After turning around to talk to them I turned back around to face front and saw the light was green, so I hit the gas. Problem, twenty cars in front of me had not yet hit their gas, so I just ran right into the back of the guy in front of me. I pulled over, got out of the car, in my swim suit, (which was slightly more humiliating than having just blatantly ran into the back of a non moving vehicle) and exchanged information with the guy in front of me. This was completely my fault. There is not a good excuse for why I hit the gas before I realized there were all those cars, I just did. They say these things come in threes, these things being bad luck or karma. I am hoping this is not one of the three things, it is just a dumb, my brain checked out moment, and the rest of the week will be fine. But just by saying this I feel like I am tempting fate or pressing Murphy's Law. I will keep you posted.

Back in the Blogging world

What on earth could possibly induce me to write after an 18 month hiatus? The fact that I graduated from this place, www.lindenwood.edu, on May 14th? Or maybe going on a vacation to Disneyland last year or Utah this year? How about blogging about getting a job here,lifeworksbusinesscenter.com , now that I have officially graduated with my Bachelor of Arts in Music and Theater Studies? Nope, these reasons are not why I decided to blog at all. I have been given the gift of time, well sort of... I have graduated and my kids are out of school and I have yet to start my new job so we have been doing summery type stuff, if summery is a word? Well, I say it is for my blog so we have been doing summery stuff, ie: vacation, Popsicles, swimming, sleeping in (sometimes). This is what has driven me to my key board yet again, the summery stuff, or to be more precise, swimming. Yes, here I am again writing about going swimming at the city pool. I know years past I have regaled my 2 followers with stories about the pool and the funny happenings there but really it always seems to be such a traumatic experience the first time I go in the summer. Yes, we have been swimming before today, but that was vacation swimming. Doesn't vacation swimming seem like it is not the same? It is okay if you ate 5000 calories before 3 that afternoon and you feel a bit bloated in your swim suit, you are on vacation, it is okay to feel that way. But the first time at THE pool, the one where you will most likely see the same people you actually see in the community in normal clothes, it is not okay to have "that" feeling. I mean there was all the working out and watching what you ate and making sure you still looked okay in that five year old suit so you wouldn't have to go through the HORRENDOUS process of putting on multiple suits at the store. All that plus talking yourself into finally biting the bullet and just taking the kids to the pool already. So today was the day, and I was sitting in my pool chair watching my kids swim, reading my book and checking out the crew that I will most likely see every time we go to the pool and I felt ridiculous. Why? I mean really I get myself so worked up every year, DREADING, going to the pool. I have to wear what feels like almost no clothes and worry that I will be like this in front of what feels like the whole town. But guess what?! everyone else is too. I mean they are all in swim suits. Wow, what a realization, after how many years of taking the kids swimming and today I get that geez I am not the only person who has to wear a suit, to be in the pool. Of course there are the "odd" ones who stay fully clothed. I like to think that they either have sun issues or their kids can swim perfectly so they don't need to worry about bothering with getting in the pool. But everyone else is just like me, well, you know what I mean, we are all in our swim suits, probably getting burned because we forgot to apply our sunblock or forgot to reapply because we didn't realize that SPF 50 meant to reapply every 50 min. Not that it protects 50 times better. There you have it, my return to blogdom, all about my insecurities, again, amazing how self-absorbed I am. Not really amazing though, I mean who wouldn't want to write about their first summer pool visit as opposed to finishing college after going for 14 years?

It feels good to give

Shae and I decided a few years back that we really needed to teach the girls how to be more giving. We have been so fortunate to have a comfortable home,food to eat and a loving atmosphere. We wanted to make sure the girls understood the importance of appreciating what they have and being willing to give of themselves and their time to others. We thought the best way to do this would be to make a family goal to do a service project every quarter. This doesn't mean we have always been great at getting four family projects done every three months, believe me there have been times when we have gotten to July or August and realized we were a little behind in the service department. This year, I am happy to say I have been a little more on top of things. We have completed our first project and while in the past I haven't really shared our projects I felt compelled this time because it was near to our hearts. So what was it...?

We signed up to make blankets for the Linus Foundation. This foundations collects blankets and donates them to hospitals around the country to give to children who may need a little comfort. We first heard of this group two years ago when Adelle was in the ER in Nebraska. We were driving through the state on our way home from visiting family for Christmas and Shae's sister's wedding. As we were driving Adelle stopped breathing. We called 911 and they met us on the freeway and took us to a nice little hospital. Needless to say we were all a bit shook up and scared, but of course Adelle was frightened most of all. Realizing how traumatic the situation was for her a nurse went out of the room and came back with a fleece ducky blanket, wrapped it around Adelle and told her it was hers and would keep her safe. Adelle did not part with that blanket from that moment on and still sleeps with it in her bed. The nurse told me it was donated and after checking the blanket over I found a little tag that said it came from the Linus Foundation. I was so grateful for the time someone had taken to make a little blanket that would give comfort to my sweet girl in such a scary time.

Our family made ten blankets in all, two per person. We took the girls to JoAnn's fabric and let them choose whatever pattern of fleece they liked. I was so proud of them for being thoughtful of the fact that maybe a little boy would want a blanket. They made sure to each pick one pattern that boys would like too. I am not crafty by any means of the imagination but the foundation website had great ideas for no sew blankets that we could all do together. We drop the blankets off tomorrow and even though we don't know who will get them I hope it brings as much joy and peace as we got from the little ducky blanket Adelle was given.

No Fire, just more craziness

"FIRE, MOM there is a FIRE!!" this is what Cora was screaming as she came running down the hall to the bathroom, where I was quietly taking care of my bathroom business. Upon hearing this I jumped up tried to get my self back together as I go running toward said fire, in the kitchen, whereupon I found the pot of water I had been waiting to boil, boiling over. Just another crazy afternoon in what is generally my crazy life. I have to admit I wasn't very patient or kind with Cora after the fact. I moved the pot, cleaned up the mess all the while getting upset with her for not paying more careful attention to what the problem really was.

Honestly I was mostly just frustrated for being so quickly removed from the bathroom. I know, I need to be more understanding and patient, believe me I know but sometimes I just can't be the perfect mom, okay all the time I can't be the perfect Mom, I am just getting by doing the best I can. Today feels like a constant reminder of that fact.

The fire incident is more how the day ended. The day began in the bathroom with Adelle having a problem as well. She said it hurt to go potty. REALLY, CRAP and no not hers, that is just what I was thinking. This is my first week back at school and I really can't afford to miss. Yes, me thinking of being a good Mom again. After conferring with Shae, and discussing that she didn't have a fever and was otherwise fine we decided to send her to school and I would get her into the doctor as soon as I could. But, the office didn't open for two hours. Not long after being at school the nurse calls me and says "I am sure you know, because Adelle said you were with her in the bathroom, that it hurts when she goes to the bathroom. I think she needs to see a doctor." "I couldn't agree more" I told her "but our doctors office doesn't open for another 15 minutes and I can do nothing for Adelle until then. She said she was comfortable enough to go to school so I will pick her up when I can take her to the doctor." After which the nurse asked me to call when I get the appointment. Maybe there are other really delinquent parents she deals with, but I took that as her thinking I would not follow up and take care of my own poor kid. Yes, I know I admitted to being a little bothered with having to deal with the problem initially but of course my first priority is always to take care of my kids.

Lets just say that today has not been a day of flying colors in my life of parenthood. But hey the girls are all asleep in bed and tomorrow is another day. So here is to tomorrow and me doing better, or at least having a better attitude.

Why Nyn?

I have had many people ask since I started my blog, why do you call yourself Nyn? Well, it is all thanks to my little, or now really tall brother Paul. I am ten years older than my cute little, I mean now very tall brother.When he was a baby and finally able to start saying our names all he could say when I would say "Carolyn" and point at myself would be "nyn" as he pointed at me and repeated. So the name just kind of stuck. By the time Paul could say my name my Mom had kind of picked up on the "Nyn" thing and to this day still says "Hi Nyn" when I call. It is really fun having a nick name that I am not embarrassed to share. I mean really, when my husband and I were trying to figure out what to name our kids we would sit around and try to make fun of the names we picked just to see how bad it could be for our kids. Seriously I know when you grow up being asked (because your last name is Hogue)are you a Hogie sandwich among other things, you want to make sure your kids can have fun nicknames, like Nyn. Although, now that I think about it Nyn could also be Nyncompoop, but lets pretend I didn't think of that and remember how fun it is to just be Nyn because my cute little baby brother couldn't say my name.

Loss

A few posts back I talked about my sweet friend Christin and the struggles that she, her family and little Gracie have faced over the last year and a half. Gracie passed away this past Monday morning. After visiting with Christin over the last few days, and talking with her I feel like I can write this post and hopefully get my feelings across without being hurtful or disrespectful of their family and privacy. I did discuss with Christin that I would like to say something here, but only if it was okay with her, as I know their family is very private and I wouldn't want to comprise their love and trust in any way. She encouraged me to write here and so I will. It has been very difficult to come up with how to write on my blog what has been in my heart for the past week. I know that I can in no way understand how Christin is feeling. I also don't want to say things that are thoughtless and hurtful as I have been witness first hand to people who have done this to her. But at the same time, I also have many things rolling around in my head that I would like to put down here, so if after this long introduction you will please indulge me and understand that this all just me and my thoughts I would appreciate it.

"I believe that Gracie is in Heaven." This is what I told my own sweet girls on Monday afternoon, after we broke the sad news to them. I feel like I had already mourned Gracie and Christin's families loss for a few days before this happened. I had been by a few days earlier and it seemed like the end was near, and after hugging Christin and her sobbing into my shoulder, I went home and for the entire rest of the day felt the heaviness of what was coming. I was sad,but by now I felt some healing in my heart. But, after telling my own children about their friend, my heart broke wide open again. There is no good explanation why this happened and why Gracie. The only thing is bad things happen. That is not easy to hear or say, but it is how it is.

I have come to understand the importance of how different we all are and how we each experience loss in our own way. My girls have all had different reactions and I have tried to patiently love them and help them through their grief. Elise, has been quiet and tears seem to continually escape her eyes. I can tell she is trying to be strong for me, but her heart is hurting. Cora, can't sleep. Up until today every ten minutes or so she would burst into sobs and would just need love and patience until she cried it out. Adelle, initially cried very hard, but after asking many questions and continuing to ask everything that comes to her mind, she seems to be feeling okay.

Today, I finally feel like I can write about this without sitting here sobbing about the loss and hurt everyone feels. But the thing is that Gracie is no longer suffering. Her little body had taken quite a bit over the last while and I believe she is in peace. After seeing Christin and their family, I believe they are feeling peace also. C

Because Christin is such a wonderful friend and has always loved my kids as much as I do, she suggested we meet today before she went to an appointment. This way my girls were able to see that she is smiling, she is okay and so they can be too. I love her so much. She is having a most difficult trial and she is still willing to help me with my kids as they suffer too. I feel continually loved to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Though there is loss, there is always love and I have felt that more than ever this week. Love for my friend and her family, love for my husband and his strong shoulders that support me, love for my own sweet angel girls who need me as much as I need them. I am sad that Gracie is no longer here, but I love her and am grateful to have known her.

some weird cult initiation

I have been making good progress in healing from my surgery. That is great news, right. Except that I still have to wear skirts for two more weeks, but the silver lining is that the weather here is finally over 30 degrees. Just the fact that it is double digits brings great warmth to my hiney.

But, while my surgical site has been feeling better, I noticed my ear was really starting to hurt. I have been trying to ignore it for about a week, but today I finally gave in and went to my doctor. I haven't seen him in over a year, which is pretty funny to me considering all the other doctors I have seen. When I got there and visited with him about my ear, he checked in both ears, and said "there is nothing in there" ha ha! I knew that, I mean I am blond after all. Just kidding. He said "it looks all clear, so I was thinking based on the swelling in your jaw you have TMJ." "What is that?" I asked him. After showing me a diagram of my jaw and explaining that TMJ is short for some long name for the joint in my jaw I had a grasp of what he was talking about. Basically that joint in my jaw is swollen, like joints in knees and elbows can get swollen. If I understood right it is because of chewing gum, or grinding my teeth at night. After he told me what was wrong with me he asked how things had been going due to my surgery, I told him pretty much fine except that I am still having to wear skirts. Well he told me that is good, what he wants me to do, is take and anti-inflammatory, also know in my language as ibuprofen, not chew gum (WHAT NOT CHEW GUM)!!, and continue wearing skirts until I am completely healed.

I am devastated... okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but NOT CHEW GUM?! How am I going to live, I live on gum. I LOVE GUM! and most likely this is why I have the whole TMJ thing. Okay I may be a little bit over reacting because he said about four weeks of not chewing gum, but that is like a life time in my world. Why is gum so important to me? Well, for many reasons but the main one being my fear of assaulting people with bad breath. I have good dental hygiene but I am always in fear of being one of the people that is standing there talking to you and you are desperately trying to hold your breath because mine in your face is about to make you pass out. I went directly to the gas station after my appointment and bought some mints. I know, yet another of my very rational well thought out issues, but seriously, that is why it is an issue, because it makes no sense to anyone but me.

So, if you run into me in the near future, yes, I am cold, because I am wearing a skirt in the middle of winter, with nothing to keep my bum warm but the material of the skirt over it, and I am sorry if my breath stinks, I did brush my teeth, but I can't chew any gum.
I did say to the doctor after being given orders to wear a skirt and not chew gum, "Are you sure this isn't some initiation for some weird new cult? I feel like I could be converting."