I am writing this post as a tribute to one of my best friends Chris Pardon. We have known each other since eighth grade and yesterday was his birthday. We are both a little older now but I remember when we were 13 like it was only two years ago instead of....well I won't say how many years ago, it isn't lady like to share my age. To top it off we both have kids now that are the age we were when we met.
My dad had just been transferred to Hanua, Germany and I was about to start eighth grade. We moved in next door to a boy who was in my grade and also my homeroom, Chris Pardon. We became good friends as we walked to and from school together and spent time chatting and hanging out.
The end of the school year came and we were invited to an eighth grade graduation party. The entire group sat in a circle and played spin the bottle. If the bottle landed on you, then the other party would escort you to the hall where you were supposed to kiss and then come back out to spin the bottle again. By the time I started ninth grade I had kissed six boys and all thanks to that party.
When Chris spun the bottle and it landed on me we went back into the hall. The kiss was a bit awkward. I was nervous. We went back to the group and I remember thinking how unremarkable the kiss was. I guess I had expected once we kissed there would be fireworks. I mean he was my best friend after all. Really it was just a residual taste of butterscotch that he got from me because that was what I happened to have been eating just before the kiss. (I love butterscotch .)
Once or twice over the summer Chris and I discussed the unremarkable kiss at the party and agreed that we should try kissing again, once more to be sure. We thought maybe the given circumstances under which we first kissed may have had a role on the true effect of the kiss. After choosing an agreed upon place and time we met up for our second, and hopefully more fulfilling kiss.
It too was unremarkable. Maybe it was the lack of chemistry, the fact that this time we kissed under the stairs in our building, I didn't have butterscotch, who knows, but after we kissed for the second time we agreed that we were definitely meant to be friends. Looking back on this story now I laugh at our 13 year old selves actually discussing when we should kiss again just to be sure. It makes me smile even more that we have maintained a friendship over all these years. Happy Birthday (yesterday) Chris!! And many more.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
No longer the smartest person (not that I ever really was)
It is official, I have a daughter who is a freshman in high school. She has been a teenager for a few years so I have had time to get used to "the teens" but a new phase has begun. This new phase I think will have to be called "dumb Mom". My daughter would never be so audacious as to call me dumb, at least not to my face, but it has been strongly implied.
I give you Exhibit A: I was sitting at a stop light recently and I let up from the brake in preparation for the light to turn green, I was the first car at the stop so no worries about me running into any cars in front of me. (if you are confused read my post about it being my fault). My teenager turns to me and says "Mom, the light is red." I looked at her and asked if she was sure. I was pretty sure I knew red from green but I am glad she reminded me. In my defense she was not with me during my little fender bender so I didn't see any need for her to be so worried. (she just thought I was dumb)
I give you a better example in Exhibit B: The very same teenage daughter was with me at the grocery store. I asked her if the sign on the shelf said the soda was 3 for $10. She said it did and helped me locate the appropriate correlating drink to the price. I grabbed two, one with each hand, and she says "Mom, that is two." I looked at her and asked "Really, I am pretty sure I can count but two is a high number?" She said "Mom, but it is 3 for $10." "Yes, I know", I replied "but I only have two hands." On our way to the register I asked if she thought I was dumb. I told her that if she did that is okay, it really does not hurt my feelings, in fact she is at the age where she is supposed to think I and all other adults are a lot less smarter than her. She was very emphatic in saying that she didn't think I was dumb. I sort of believed her, but not really. Her continual actions and words prove otherwise. But oh well, I guess she finally knows what I have all along. I really am not that smart; Just clever enough to act like I am, most of the time.
I give you Exhibit A: I was sitting at a stop light recently and I let up from the brake in preparation for the light to turn green, I was the first car at the stop so no worries about me running into any cars in front of me. (if you are confused read my post about it being my fault). My teenager turns to me and says "Mom, the light is red." I looked at her and asked if she was sure. I was pretty sure I knew red from green but I am glad she reminded me. In my defense she was not with me during my little fender bender so I didn't see any need for her to be so worried. (she just thought I was dumb)
I give you a better example in Exhibit B: The very same teenage daughter was with me at the grocery store. I asked her if the sign on the shelf said the soda was 3 for $10. She said it did and helped me locate the appropriate correlating drink to the price. I grabbed two, one with each hand, and she says "Mom, that is two." I looked at her and asked "Really, I am pretty sure I can count but two is a high number?" She said "Mom, but it is 3 for $10." "Yes, I know", I replied "but I only have two hands." On our way to the register I asked if she thought I was dumb. I told her that if she did that is okay, it really does not hurt my feelings, in fact she is at the age where she is supposed to think I and all other adults are a lot less smarter than her. She was very emphatic in saying that she didn't think I was dumb. I sort of believed her, but not really. Her continual actions and words prove otherwise. But oh well, I guess she finally knows what I have all along. I really am not that smart; Just clever enough to act like I am, most of the time.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Time to Reflect
Summer has flown by. Is it a case of getting older that time seems to go by so fast that I barely have time to look back on anything? It feels like May was just here, I had graduated from college, finally, and was looking all summer to “relax” and get a grasp on the idea of joining the work force. Time for “relaxing” ha! We went on summer vacation to Utah for two weeks and the rest of the summer flew by. I got a job working as an Administrative Assistant as soon as we got home from Utah and between summer activities with the kids, my job, fun with friends, company visiting us and an awesome visit to California I can’t believe that school starts again for my girls in less than a week.
I want to reflect on this summer a little bit but first… for me reflection requires some back story. All of you who know me know that I have to tell a story to get to my point. So, for those of you interested in the end just skip to the last paragraph or two. I can’t promise it will make sense but you will save some time.
Three years ago, right about the time I went back to school full-time for my Bachelor’s Degree, I went through what many church attenders would call a “crisis of faith” or a name I like even better “Dark Night of the Soul”. When I look at my faith honestly, even now I can’t say that I have reached the other side of my “crisis”. My faith is not and never will be the same as it once was. I do feel like the “Dark Night” has lifted a bit.
Through this time I have had amazing outlets to which I have turned for insight, help, love and understanding. First and most amazing has been my husband Shae. Without his constancy, patience, love and help I would have probably gone a bit “off the deep end” as he phrased it. Next I had the Mormon Stories podcasts and papershttp://mormonstories.org/ in particular this one article was very helpful http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.htmlOf course, I had my brilliant and amazing friends. They were my community of love and listening while I was steeped in my “Dark Night”. I would be a bit remiss if I didn’t acknowledge them by name and thank them even though inevitably there will be someone I forget to mention here: Martie and Ken Clark (lawyer/BFF and running partner listener extraordinaire), Rachel Williams (my sister by blood and soul), Kirsty Sayer (giver of true understanding and no judgment), Katy Smith (friend, confidante), Diane Johnson (mothering and guiding force), Jenni Passig (sounding board, kind heart), Erin and Matt Lingard (empathy and love all abounding), DeAnna Massey (amazing, there are not enough good words to describe her and what her friendship has meant), Alicia and Mike Black (support and friendship from the far away east coast), the Mormon Stories community (a place where I have found many more Mormons like myself and feel like I can truly be myself). For those I forgot to mention by name I am sorry, but I am forever grateful for all the love I have had in my life from so many wonderful people especially during the last few years.
That is the shortened back story and now on to reflections of this summer. As I said for me summer started when I graduated from Lindenwood University with my Bachelor’s degree in Music and Theater studies. There were so many loved ones that came for my graduation and party that it was amazing to me to feel the outpouring of love and understanding for the time and effort it took to finish my degree while raising my three girls.
We go to Utah every summer to visit our extended families. This year was no exception and the planning was in the works when I learned that one of my favorite Mormon authors, Carol Lynn Pearson,http://www.clpearson.com/ was going to speak at the Salt Lake City Mormon Stories Conference. I decided to take the girls on the two day drive to Utah in the first of June by myself a week earlier than we had planned to be there so I could go to the conference and have a little extra time to spend with my brother and his family. (Shae flew out shortly after to go with me to the conference). Our visit was wonderful. It was worth every minute driving out early to go to the conference and listen to many Mormon’s like myself share their thoughts, ideas and feelings about their Mormon Heritage and identity. If you click on the Mormon stories link you can see I even got the nerve to get up and share some of my feelings during their open share time. The link is here and if you fast forward to 36:40min. you will see and hear me. http://mormonstories.org/?p=1746 I told the people running the San Diego, California conference that I would love to speak if they had need of me. It turns out they did and so I went and spoke later in July. (I will have to blog about that another day, hopefully when the link is up for you to watch my talk).
No sooner had we gotten home from our amazing trip toward the end of June to visit all our family when I had a job interview. I was hired and started working the very next week. It has been a great job. I mean it when I say I LOVE IT!!
It was very fulfilling to be able to share my Mormon Story at the San Diego Conference. I feel like things had finally come full circle. I feel comfortable in my own skin and in my own faith journey. I believe that regardless of what other people think or feel about me and my decisions during, in, and through my “faith crisis” I will ultimately be fine.
To finish summer off with an amazing BANG (besides the 4th of July when we lit off tons of fireworks with our friends the Clarks and Bennetts) we had Thanksgiving in July at Ken and Martie Clark’s house. What is that you ask? We eat and eat and eat all the amazing Thanksgiving food in July with a huge group of our loved ones. It was awesome.
Now the countdown is on for school to start, and that count is six days from now my kids will be getting up and taking the bus to school for their 2nd, 5th and 9th grade years. Next thing I know I will be reflecting on the school year next summer. Seriously, how do we account for all the time that seems to fly by?
I want to reflect on this summer a little bit but first… for me reflection requires some back story. All of you who know me know that I have to tell a story to get to my point. So, for those of you interested in the end just skip to the last paragraph or two. I can’t promise it will make sense but you will save some time.
Three years ago, right about the time I went back to school full-time for my Bachelor’s Degree, I went through what many church attenders would call a “crisis of faith” or a name I like even better “Dark Night of the Soul”. When I look at my faith honestly, even now I can’t say that I have reached the other side of my “crisis”. My faith is not and never will be the same as it once was. I do feel like the “Dark Night” has lifted a bit.
Through this time I have had amazing outlets to which I have turned for insight, help, love and understanding. First and most amazing has been my husband Shae. Without his constancy, patience, love and help I would have probably gone a bit “off the deep end” as he phrased it. Next I had the Mormon Stories podcasts and papershttp://mormonstories.org/ in particular this one article was very helpful http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.htmlOf course, I had my brilliant and amazing friends. They were my community of love and listening while I was steeped in my “Dark Night”. I would be a bit remiss if I didn’t acknowledge them by name and thank them even though inevitably there will be someone I forget to mention here: Martie and Ken Clark (lawyer/BFF and running partner listener extraordinaire), Rachel Williams (my sister by blood and soul), Kirsty Sayer (giver of true understanding and no judgment), Katy Smith (friend, confidante), Diane Johnson (mothering and guiding force), Jenni Passig (sounding board, kind heart), Erin and Matt Lingard (empathy and love all abounding), DeAnna Massey (amazing, there are not enough good words to describe her and what her friendship has meant), Alicia and Mike Black (support and friendship from the far away east coast), the Mormon Stories community (a place where I have found many more Mormons like myself and feel like I can truly be myself). For those I forgot to mention by name I am sorry, but I am forever grateful for all the love I have had in my life from so many wonderful people especially during the last few years.
That is the shortened back story and now on to reflections of this summer. As I said for me summer started when I graduated from Lindenwood University with my Bachelor’s degree in Music and Theater studies. There were so many loved ones that came for my graduation and party that it was amazing to me to feel the outpouring of love and understanding for the time and effort it took to finish my degree while raising my three girls.
We go to Utah every summer to visit our extended families. This year was no exception and the planning was in the works when I learned that one of my favorite Mormon authors, Carol Lynn Pearson,http://www.clpearson.com/ was going to speak at the Salt Lake City Mormon Stories Conference. I decided to take the girls on the two day drive to Utah in the first of June by myself a week earlier than we had planned to be there so I could go to the conference and have a little extra time to spend with my brother and his family. (Shae flew out shortly after to go with me to the conference). Our visit was wonderful. It was worth every minute driving out early to go to the conference and listen to many Mormon’s like myself share their thoughts, ideas and feelings about their Mormon Heritage and identity. If you click on the Mormon stories link you can see I even got the nerve to get up and share some of my feelings during their open share time. The link is here and if you fast forward to 36:40min. you will see and hear me. http://mormonstories.org/?p=1746 I told the people running the San Diego, California conference that I would love to speak if they had need of me. It turns out they did and so I went and spoke later in July. (I will have to blog about that another day, hopefully when the link is up for you to watch my talk).
No sooner had we gotten home from our amazing trip toward the end of June to visit all our family when I had a job interview. I was hired and started working the very next week. It has been a great job. I mean it when I say I LOVE IT!!
It was very fulfilling to be able to share my Mormon Story at the San Diego Conference. I feel like things had finally come full circle. I feel comfortable in my own skin and in my own faith journey. I believe that regardless of what other people think or feel about me and my decisions during, in, and through my “faith crisis” I will ultimately be fine.
To finish summer off with an amazing BANG (besides the 4th of July when we lit off tons of fireworks with our friends the Clarks and Bennetts) we had Thanksgiving in July at Ken and Martie Clark’s house. What is that you ask? We eat and eat and eat all the amazing Thanksgiving food in July with a huge group of our loved ones. It was awesome.
Now the countdown is on for school to start, and that count is six days from now my kids will be getting up and taking the bus to school for their 2nd, 5th and 9th grade years. Next thing I know I will be reflecting on the school year next summer. Seriously, how do we account for all the time that seems to fly by?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
It's my fault
I have so many just plain airhead moments it is hard to keep track of them all but yesterday's was more memorable than most of the normal ones. I was in my swimming suit, driving home from the pool with my kids and two of their friends. We were at a stop light and the kids asked me a question. After turning around to talk to them I turned back around to face front and saw the light was green, so I hit the gas. Problem, twenty cars in front of me had not yet hit their gas, so I just ran right into the back of the guy in front of me. I pulled over, got out of the car, in my swim suit, (which was slightly more humiliating than having just blatantly ran into the back of a non moving vehicle) and exchanged information with the guy in front of me. This was completely my fault. There is not a good excuse for why I hit the gas before I realized there were all those cars, I just did. They say these things come in threes, these things being bad luck or karma. I am hoping this is not one of the three things, it is just a dumb, my brain checked out moment, and the rest of the week will be fine. But just by saying this I feel like I am tempting fate or pressing Murphy's Law. I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Back in the Blogging world
What on earth could possibly induce me to write after an 18 month hiatus? The fact that I graduated from this place, www.lindenwood.edu, on May 14th? Or maybe going on a vacation to Disneyland last year or Utah this year? How about blogging about getting a job here,lifeworksbusinesscenter.com , now that I have officially graduated with my Bachelor of Arts in Music and Theater Studies? Nope, these reasons are not why I decided to blog at all. I have been given the gift of time, well sort of... I have graduated and my kids are out of school and I have yet to start my new job so we have been doing summery type stuff, if summery is a word? Well, I say it is for my blog so we have been doing summery stuff, ie: vacation, Popsicles, swimming, sleeping in (sometimes). This is what has driven me to my key board yet again, the summery stuff, or to be more precise, swimming. Yes, here I am again writing about going swimming at the city pool. I know years past I have regaled my 2 followers with stories about the pool and the funny happenings there but really it always seems to be such a traumatic experience the first time I go in the summer. Yes, we have been swimming before today, but that was vacation swimming. Doesn't vacation swimming seem like it is not the same? It is okay if you ate 5000 calories before 3 that afternoon and you feel a bit bloated in your swim suit, you are on vacation, it is okay to feel that way. But the first time at THE pool, the one where you will most likely see the same people you actually see in the community in normal clothes, it is not okay to have "that" feeling. I mean there was all the working out and watching what you ate and making sure you still looked okay in that five year old suit so you wouldn't have to go through the HORRENDOUS process of putting on multiple suits at the store. All that plus talking yourself into finally biting the bullet and just taking the kids to the pool already. So today was the day, and I was sitting in my pool chair watching my kids swim, reading my book and checking out the crew that I will most likely see every time we go to the pool and I felt ridiculous. Why? I mean really I get myself so worked up every year, DREADING, going to the pool. I have to wear what feels like almost no clothes and worry that I will be like this in front of what feels like the whole town. But guess what?! everyone else is too. I mean they are all in swim suits. Wow, what a realization, after how many years of taking the kids swimming and today I get that geez I am not the only person who has to wear a suit, to be in the pool. Of course there are the "odd" ones who stay fully clothed. I like to think that they either have sun issues or their kids can swim perfectly so they don't need to worry about bothering with getting in the pool. But everyone else is just like me, well, you know what I mean, we are all in our swim suits, probably getting burned because we forgot to apply our sunblock or forgot to reapply because we didn't realize that SPF 50 meant to reapply every 50 min. Not that it protects 50 times better. There you have it, my return to blogdom, all about my insecurities, again, amazing how self-absorbed I am. Not really amazing though, I mean who wouldn't want to write about their first summer pool visit as opposed to finishing college after going for 14 years?
Friday, February 5, 2010
It feels good to give
Shae and I decided a few years back that we really needed to teach the girls how to be more giving. We have been so fortunate to have a comfortable home,food to eat and a loving atmosphere. We wanted to make sure the girls understood the importance of appreciating what they have and being willing to give of themselves and their time to others. We thought the best way to do this would be to make a family goal to do a service project every quarter. This doesn't mean we have always been great at getting four family projects done every three months, believe me there have been times when we have gotten to July or August and realized we were a little behind in the service department. This year, I am happy to say I have been a little more on top of things. We have completed our first project and while in the past I haven't really shared our projects I felt compelled this time because it was near to our hearts. So what was it...?
We signed up to make blankets for the Linus Foundation. This foundations collects blankets and donates them to hospitals around the country to give to children who may need a little comfort. We first heard of this group two years ago when Adelle was in the ER in Nebraska. We were driving through the state on our way home from visiting family for Christmas and Shae's sister's wedding. As we were driving Adelle stopped breathing. We called 911 and they met us on the freeway and took us to a nice little hospital. Needless to say we were all a bit shook up and scared, but of course Adelle was frightened most of all. Realizing how traumatic the situation was for her a nurse went out of the room and came back with a fleece ducky blanket, wrapped it around Adelle and told her it was hers and would keep her safe. Adelle did not part with that blanket from that moment on and still sleeps with it in her bed. The nurse told me it was donated and after checking the blanket over I found a little tag that said it came from the Linus Foundation. I was so grateful for the time someone had taken to make a little blanket that would give comfort to my sweet girl in such a scary time.
Our family made ten blankets in all, two per person. We took the girls to JoAnn's fabric and let them choose whatever pattern of fleece they liked. I was so proud of them for being thoughtful of the fact that maybe a little boy would want a blanket. They made sure to each pick one pattern that boys would like too. I am not crafty by any means of the imagination but the foundation website had great ideas for no sew blankets that we could all do together. We drop the blankets off tomorrow and even though we don't know who will get them I hope it brings as much joy and peace as we got from the little ducky blanket Adelle was given.
We signed up to make blankets for the Linus Foundation. This foundations collects blankets and donates them to hospitals around the country to give to children who may need a little comfort. We first heard of this group two years ago when Adelle was in the ER in Nebraska. We were driving through the state on our way home from visiting family for Christmas and Shae's sister's wedding. As we were driving Adelle stopped breathing. We called 911 and they met us on the freeway and took us to a nice little hospital. Needless to say we were all a bit shook up and scared, but of course Adelle was frightened most of all. Realizing how traumatic the situation was for her a nurse went out of the room and came back with a fleece ducky blanket, wrapped it around Adelle and told her it was hers and would keep her safe. Adelle did not part with that blanket from that moment on and still sleeps with it in her bed. The nurse told me it was donated and after checking the blanket over I found a little tag that said it came from the Linus Foundation. I was so grateful for the time someone had taken to make a little blanket that would give comfort to my sweet girl in such a scary time.
Our family made ten blankets in all, two per person. We took the girls to JoAnn's fabric and let them choose whatever pattern of fleece they liked. I was so proud of them for being thoughtful of the fact that maybe a little boy would want a blanket. They made sure to each pick one pattern that boys would like too. I am not crafty by any means of the imagination but the foundation website had great ideas for no sew blankets that we could all do together. We drop the blankets off tomorrow and even though we don't know who will get them I hope it brings as much joy and peace as we got from the little ducky blanket Adelle was given.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
No Fire, just more craziness
"FIRE, MOM there is a FIRE!!" this is what Cora was screaming as she came running down the hall to the bathroom, where I was quietly taking care of my bathroom business. Upon hearing this I jumped up tried to get my self back together as I go running toward said fire, in the kitchen, whereupon I found the pot of water I had been waiting to boil, boiling over. Just another crazy afternoon in what is generally my crazy life. I have to admit I wasn't very patient or kind with Cora after the fact. I moved the pot, cleaned up the mess all the while getting upset with her for not paying more careful attention to what the problem really was.
Honestly I was mostly just frustrated for being so quickly removed from the bathroom. I know, I need to be more understanding and patient, believe me I know but sometimes I just can't be the perfect mom, okay all the time I can't be the perfect Mom, I am just getting by doing the best I can. Today feels like a constant reminder of that fact.
The fire incident is more how the day ended. The day began in the bathroom with Adelle having a problem as well. She said it hurt to go potty. REALLY, CRAP and no not hers, that is just what I was thinking. This is my first week back at school and I really can't afford to miss. Yes, me thinking of being a good Mom again. After conferring with Shae, and discussing that she didn't have a fever and was otherwise fine we decided to send her to school and I would get her into the doctor as soon as I could. But, the office didn't open for two hours. Not long after being at school the nurse calls me and says "I am sure you know, because Adelle said you were with her in the bathroom, that it hurts when she goes to the bathroom. I think she needs to see a doctor." "I couldn't agree more" I told her "but our doctors office doesn't open for another 15 minutes and I can do nothing for Adelle until then. She said she was comfortable enough to go to school so I will pick her up when I can take her to the doctor." After which the nurse asked me to call when I get the appointment. Maybe there are other really delinquent parents she deals with, but I took that as her thinking I would not follow up and take care of my own poor kid. Yes, I know I admitted to being a little bothered with having to deal with the problem initially but of course my first priority is always to take care of my kids.
Lets just say that today has not been a day of flying colors in my life of parenthood. But hey the girls are all asleep in bed and tomorrow is another day. So here is to tomorrow and me doing better, or at least having a better attitude.
Honestly I was mostly just frustrated for being so quickly removed from the bathroom. I know, I need to be more understanding and patient, believe me I know but sometimes I just can't be the perfect mom, okay all the time I can't be the perfect Mom, I am just getting by doing the best I can. Today feels like a constant reminder of that fact.
The fire incident is more how the day ended. The day began in the bathroom with Adelle having a problem as well. She said it hurt to go potty. REALLY, CRAP and no not hers, that is just what I was thinking. This is my first week back at school and I really can't afford to miss. Yes, me thinking of being a good Mom again. After conferring with Shae, and discussing that she didn't have a fever and was otherwise fine we decided to send her to school and I would get her into the doctor as soon as I could. But, the office didn't open for two hours. Not long after being at school the nurse calls me and says "I am sure you know, because Adelle said you were with her in the bathroom, that it hurts when she goes to the bathroom. I think she needs to see a doctor." "I couldn't agree more" I told her "but our doctors office doesn't open for another 15 minutes and I can do nothing for Adelle until then. She said she was comfortable enough to go to school so I will pick her up when I can take her to the doctor." After which the nurse asked me to call when I get the appointment. Maybe there are other really delinquent parents she deals with, but I took that as her thinking I would not follow up and take care of my own poor kid. Yes, I know I admitted to being a little bothered with having to deal with the problem initially but of course my first priority is always to take care of my kids.
Lets just say that today has not been a day of flying colors in my life of parenthood. But hey the girls are all asleep in bed and tomorrow is another day. So here is to tomorrow and me doing better, or at least having a better attitude.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Why Nyn?
I have had many people ask since I started my blog, why do you call yourself Nyn? Well, it is all thanks to my little, or now really tall brother Paul. I am ten years older than my cute little, I mean now very tall brother.When he was a baby and finally able to start saying our names all he could say when I would say "Carolyn" and point at myself would be "nyn" as he pointed at me and repeated. So the name just kind of stuck. By the time Paul could say my name my Mom had kind of picked up on the "Nyn" thing and to this day still says "Hi Nyn" when I call. It is really fun having a nick name that I am not embarrassed to share. I mean really, when my husband and I were trying to figure out what to name our kids we would sit around and try to make fun of the names we picked just to see how bad it could be for our kids. Seriously I know when you grow up being asked (because your last name is Hogue)are you a Hogie sandwich among other things, you want to make sure your kids can have fun nicknames, like Nyn. Although, now that I think about it Nyn could also be Nyncompoop, but lets pretend I didn't think of that and remember how fun it is to just be Nyn because my cute little baby brother couldn't say my name.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Loss
A few posts back I talked about my sweet friend Christin and the struggles that she, her family and little Gracie have faced over the last year and a half. Gracie passed away this past Monday morning. After visiting with Christin over the last few days, and talking with her I feel like I can write this post and hopefully get my feelings across without being hurtful or disrespectful of their family and privacy. I did discuss with Christin that I would like to say something here, but only if it was okay with her, as I know their family is very private and I wouldn't want to comprise their love and trust in any way. She encouraged me to write here and so I will. It has been very difficult to come up with how to write on my blog what has been in my heart for the past week. I know that I can in no way understand how Christin is feeling. I also don't want to say things that are thoughtless and hurtful as I have been witness first hand to people who have done this to her. But at the same time, I also have many things rolling around in my head that I would like to put down here, so if after this long introduction you will please indulge me and understand that this all just me and my thoughts I would appreciate it.
"I believe that Gracie is in Heaven." This is what I told my own sweet girls on Monday afternoon, after we broke the sad news to them. I feel like I had already mourned Gracie and Christin's families loss for a few days before this happened. I had been by a few days earlier and it seemed like the end was near, and after hugging Christin and her sobbing into my shoulder, I went home and for the entire rest of the day felt the heaviness of what was coming. I was sad,but by now I felt some healing in my heart. But, after telling my own children about their friend, my heart broke wide open again. There is no good explanation why this happened and why Gracie. The only thing is bad things happen. That is not easy to hear or say, but it is how it is.
I have come to understand the importance of how different we all are and how we each experience loss in our own way. My girls have all had different reactions and I have tried to patiently love them and help them through their grief. Elise, has been quiet and tears seem to continually escape her eyes. I can tell she is trying to be strong for me, but her heart is hurting. Cora, can't sleep. Up until today every ten minutes or so she would burst into sobs and would just need love and patience until she cried it out. Adelle, initially cried very hard, but after asking many questions and continuing to ask everything that comes to her mind, she seems to be feeling okay.
Today, I finally feel like I can write about this without sitting here sobbing about the loss and hurt everyone feels. But the thing is that Gracie is no longer suffering. Her little body had taken quite a bit over the last while and I believe she is in peace. After seeing Christin and their family, I believe they are feeling peace also. C
Because Christin is such a wonderful friend and has always loved my kids as much as I do, she suggested we meet today before she went to an appointment. This way my girls were able to see that she is smiling, she is okay and so they can be too. I love her so much. She is having a most difficult trial and she is still willing to help me with my kids as they suffer too. I feel continually loved to have so many wonderful people in my life.
Though there is loss, there is always love and I have felt that more than ever this week. Love for my friend and her family, love for my husband and his strong shoulders that support me, love for my own sweet angel girls who need me as much as I need them. I am sad that Gracie is no longer here, but I love her and am grateful to have known her.
"I believe that Gracie is in Heaven." This is what I told my own sweet girls on Monday afternoon, after we broke the sad news to them. I feel like I had already mourned Gracie and Christin's families loss for a few days before this happened. I had been by a few days earlier and it seemed like the end was near, and after hugging Christin and her sobbing into my shoulder, I went home and for the entire rest of the day felt the heaviness of what was coming. I was sad,but by now I felt some healing in my heart. But, after telling my own children about their friend, my heart broke wide open again. There is no good explanation why this happened and why Gracie. The only thing is bad things happen. That is not easy to hear or say, but it is how it is.
I have come to understand the importance of how different we all are and how we each experience loss in our own way. My girls have all had different reactions and I have tried to patiently love them and help them through their grief. Elise, has been quiet and tears seem to continually escape her eyes. I can tell she is trying to be strong for me, but her heart is hurting. Cora, can't sleep. Up until today every ten minutes or so she would burst into sobs and would just need love and patience until she cried it out. Adelle, initially cried very hard, but after asking many questions and continuing to ask everything that comes to her mind, she seems to be feeling okay.
Today, I finally feel like I can write about this without sitting here sobbing about the loss and hurt everyone feels. But the thing is that Gracie is no longer suffering. Her little body had taken quite a bit over the last while and I believe she is in peace. After seeing Christin and their family, I believe they are feeling peace also. C
Because Christin is such a wonderful friend and has always loved my kids as much as I do, she suggested we meet today before she went to an appointment. This way my girls were able to see that she is smiling, she is okay and so they can be too. I love her so much. She is having a most difficult trial and she is still willing to help me with my kids as they suffer too. I feel continually loved to have so many wonderful people in my life.
Though there is loss, there is always love and I have felt that more than ever this week. Love for my friend and her family, love for my husband and his strong shoulders that support me, love for my own sweet angel girls who need me as much as I need them. I am sad that Gracie is no longer here, but I love her and am grateful to have known her.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
some weird cult initiation
I have been making good progress in healing from my surgery. That is great news, right. Except that I still have to wear skirts for two more weeks, but the silver lining is that the weather here is finally over 30 degrees. Just the fact that it is double digits brings great warmth to my hiney.
But, while my surgical site has been feeling better, I noticed my ear was really starting to hurt. I have been trying to ignore it for about a week, but today I finally gave in and went to my doctor. I haven't seen him in over a year, which is pretty funny to me considering all the other doctors I have seen. When I got there and visited with him about my ear, he checked in both ears, and said "there is nothing in there" ha ha! I knew that, I mean I am blond after all. Just kidding. He said "it looks all clear, so I was thinking based on the swelling in your jaw you have TMJ." "What is that?" I asked him. After showing me a diagram of my jaw and explaining that TMJ is short for some long name for the joint in my jaw I had a grasp of what he was talking about. Basically that joint in my jaw is swollen, like joints in knees and elbows can get swollen. If I understood right it is because of chewing gum, or grinding my teeth at night. After he told me what was wrong with me he asked how things had been going due to my surgery, I told him pretty much fine except that I am still having to wear skirts. Well he told me that is good, what he wants me to do, is take and anti-inflammatory, also know in my language as ibuprofen, not chew gum (WHAT NOT CHEW GUM)!!, and continue wearing skirts until I am completely healed.
I am devastated... okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but NOT CHEW GUM?! How am I going to live, I live on gum. I LOVE GUM! and most likely this is why I have the whole TMJ thing. Okay I may be a little bit over reacting because he said about four weeks of not chewing gum, but that is like a life time in my world. Why is gum so important to me? Well, for many reasons but the main one being my fear of assaulting people with bad breath. I have good dental hygiene but I am always in fear of being one of the people that is standing there talking to you and you are desperately trying to hold your breath because mine in your face is about to make you pass out. I went directly to the gas station after my appointment and bought some mints. I know, yet another of my very rational well thought out issues, but seriously, that is why it is an issue, because it makes no sense to anyone but me.
So, if you run into me in the near future, yes, I am cold, because I am wearing a skirt in the middle of winter, with nothing to keep my bum warm but the material of the skirt over it, and I am sorry if my breath stinks, I did brush my teeth, but I can't chew any gum.
I did say to the doctor after being given orders to wear a skirt and not chew gum, "Are you sure this isn't some initiation for some weird new cult? I feel like I could be converting."
But, while my surgical site has been feeling better, I noticed my ear was really starting to hurt. I have been trying to ignore it for about a week, but today I finally gave in and went to my doctor. I haven't seen him in over a year, which is pretty funny to me considering all the other doctors I have seen. When I got there and visited with him about my ear, he checked in both ears, and said "there is nothing in there" ha ha! I knew that, I mean I am blond after all. Just kidding. He said "it looks all clear, so I was thinking based on the swelling in your jaw you have TMJ." "What is that?" I asked him. After showing me a diagram of my jaw and explaining that TMJ is short for some long name for the joint in my jaw I had a grasp of what he was talking about. Basically that joint in my jaw is swollen, like joints in knees and elbows can get swollen. If I understood right it is because of chewing gum, or grinding my teeth at night. After he told me what was wrong with me he asked how things had been going due to my surgery, I told him pretty much fine except that I am still having to wear skirts. Well he told me that is good, what he wants me to do, is take and anti-inflammatory, also know in my language as ibuprofen, not chew gum (WHAT NOT CHEW GUM)!!, and continue wearing skirts until I am completely healed.
I am devastated... okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but NOT CHEW GUM?! How am I going to live, I live on gum. I LOVE GUM! and most likely this is why I have the whole TMJ thing. Okay I may be a little bit over reacting because he said about four weeks of not chewing gum, but that is like a life time in my world. Why is gum so important to me? Well, for many reasons but the main one being my fear of assaulting people with bad breath. I have good dental hygiene but I am always in fear of being one of the people that is standing there talking to you and you are desperately trying to hold your breath because mine in your face is about to make you pass out. I went directly to the gas station after my appointment and bought some mints. I know, yet another of my very rational well thought out issues, but seriously, that is why it is an issue, because it makes no sense to anyone but me.
So, if you run into me in the near future, yes, I am cold, because I am wearing a skirt in the middle of winter, with nothing to keep my bum warm but the material of the skirt over it, and I am sorry if my breath stinks, I did brush my teeth, but I can't chew any gum.
I did say to the doctor after being given orders to wear a skirt and not chew gum, "Are you sure this isn't some initiation for some weird new cult? I feel like I could be converting."
Monday, January 11, 2010
Grandma Genny
This is our Grandma Genny, short for Genevieve. She is my mom's mother, and really one of the most amazing people I have had the opportunity to know, and best of all she is my Grandma. Today is her 77th Birthday and I am telling you this woman is amazing. She always looks young for her age and is so active that I have never though of her as old or elderly. When I meet other people, even in their late 60's, I think wow, they must be getting close to 100 with all those issues and ailments, but it is because my Grandma is so youthful that I am always confused about what age people really are.
We had the opportunity to spend yesterday at her house (she lives about three hours away) and celebrate her birthday. It is always so lovely to spend time there and our girls, her great granddaughters adore her as well.
Adelle still has trouble keeping track of which Grandma we will see. My girls are so lucky to have all their Grandma's still living so we have to call them Grandma "name here" so we know to which one we are referring. Well, Adelle hasn't caught on to the names as well yet so she comes up with things, sort of like personality landmarks to remember them by. At first Grandma Genny was "the Grandma with no eyebrows". This was so funny to us, because she does have eyebrows of course, but they are very light, so she pencils them in. I think one time Adelle saw her without them done up and for a long time called her that. Then, about two years ago when we went to visit, Grandma had bought mini cupcakes to give the girls for treats. As a side note her house is never in lack of treats, but she bought these just for the girls. That is another amazing thing about her, she remembers what you love and then always has it when you come visit. Adelle was so amazed by the little cupcakes that fit right into her hand that she was no longer "the Grandma without eyebrows" but became and is still to Adelle "the Grandma with the little cupcakes".
It is such a joy and blessing in my life to be able to spend my time with such a wonderful person. Happy 77th Birthday Grandma. I love you. You are amazing.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Guys named Kevin
I have this aversion to guys named Kevin. I am so sorry if your husband, child or father or any other close family member or loved one is named Kevin and I offend. It does not mean I think ill of you, I just need to get to know you better if you happen to have that name. Why that name? Well let me take you back to the days of my impressionable youth. I grew up in the Army. Always moving every two to three years from place to place. I loved it. It was a very fun way to grow up and I learned so much about people, cultures and life. (yes, I am wise in my 30's ha ha). Every time we would move my Mom and Dad would "adopt" a GI in the church we went to. This meant that this guy or girl would be over at our home on a regular basis usually eating dinner, playing games with us kids and generally feeling like they had a home away from home. This was always such a loving thing for my parents to do. I know how hard it is to be away from family so it was wonderful that they saw a need and filled it. It just so happens that one of the first army guys I can remember my parents bringing home was named, you guessed it, Kevin. Let me put your mind at ease right away and tell you that Kevin in no way harmed me or made me feel badly. He was a genuinely nice guy just trying to make his way in the world. So how did I come to have such strong opposition to him? Well, my dad used to like to joke that he was going to marry me off when I was 14. he would tease that the guys he brought home could some day be the man he would stick me with. Well, I being young and not very good at getting teasing (for the record I am still terrible at getting teasing) I took my Dad very seriously. The first time he mentioned that "hey, maybe some day Kevin could be the guy you marry, but not until you are 14" and he and Kevin had a good laugh I freaked out. At 10 years old I knew I had to take steps necessary to make sure Kevin NEVER wanted to marry me. I was a huge brat to him from that point on. I went to extremes to ignore him or be snotty, which ever attitude would fit the situation best. The funny thing is that at the same time Kevin was visiting our home another army guy Steve would also come over. They were buddies and my family really liked them both. Steve never bothered me, but then again Dad never said I would have to marry him. One day, I think as I was getting closer to 14, I found out that Kevin got married to a lovely lady named Charlotte. We happened to live close to them and I got to go visit. I felt a lot more kindly to Kevin now, because well he couldn't marry me, he had a wife. I was off the hook. But to this day, even though it is ridiculous, I have a bit of an aversion to guys named Kevin. I always end up liking these poor guys that have no control over their name. But it just goes to show, that if you have impressionable children that believe everything you say, are super gullible and don't get teasing, you could ruin them for life. Okay, not likely many kids are like that these days, but I am just sayin' watch out. And Kevin Hester, if you are reading this. I think you are a good guy :)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
One of my kindred spirits
One of my very best friends is Christin. I think of her as a kindred spirit. We are born a few years apart but our birthdays are only a day apart. I feel like in so many ways she is truly one of the people I love most, maybe because I love me so much and she reminds me of me. I know, so self centric. But back to Christin, she is the mother of four beautiful children Patrick 14, Madi 11, Robbie 9 and Gracie 7. Being a mother for Christin brings so much joy. She is the most loving person I know. My kids wish they were hers, and Adelle has even asked once or twice if she could live with them. I love Christin so much that I think of this as a wonderful compliment to the amazing person she is. But now she has been going through a struggle that I can in no way relate to. It is hard when someone you love so much suffers and there isn't much to do but love them and pray.
Gracie, her baby angel was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her spine in October of 2008. From the time she was diagnosed and received multiple surgeries and then sent to St. Jude's, Christin has been at her side giving all the love and compassion she possesses and then some. Gracie was sent home in July of 2009 after nine months of intensive chemo and then radiation therapy. They found no signs of cancer left in her body. At the routine check up in October, a year after she was first diagnosed with cancer, St. Jude's doctors found that the tumor was back and was now in her spine, hip and brain stem. They told Christin there was nothing left they could do for Gracie at this point except help make her comfortable.
How does anyone deal with this kind of information? Well, they decided to fight. And fight they have done. But the cancer is strong and Gracie continues to get more and more ill and is in a great deal of pain. She is unaware of her diagnosis. Gracie is such a beautiful little girl as are all children, but while her body fails you see that her spirit is strong. There is such an amazing girl being held in a body that can not tolerate the cancer.
At this point, now that the holidays are over and all the family on both sides of Christin's and her husbands family have come now they wait. Wait for what? Who is to say but I know I pray every day for peace in their lives. Peace for Gracie, that her body won't hurt anymore, and peace for Christin that her heart will be strong to deal with this most difficult trial.
One thing that has been hard in our home is our children having to face a terminal illness in one of their friends.
Adelle asks almost every day if Gracie is alive. She started to cry today when I started to talk about what we could do for their family, she was worried the news was bad. I have tried to offer comfort, in that Gracie will be an angel here and in heaven whenever that may be.
But to be honest my heart aches. I have been at Christin's side physically and in spirit as much as I can and I know there is nothing I can say or do that will help. I know there is prayer and positive thinking and just being there, but it hurts to watch those you love hurt. That is just the truth of it. Life is unfair and bad things happen. I guess I share this so that those of you out there that read this from time to time might keep their family in your prayers and thoughts. They are in mine always and I feel like in asking for you to help, maybe in some small way I am helping them.
Thank you.
Gracie, her baby angel was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her spine in October of 2008. From the time she was diagnosed and received multiple surgeries and then sent to St. Jude's, Christin has been at her side giving all the love and compassion she possesses and then some. Gracie was sent home in July of 2009 after nine months of intensive chemo and then radiation therapy. They found no signs of cancer left in her body. At the routine check up in October, a year after she was first diagnosed with cancer, St. Jude's doctors found that the tumor was back and was now in her spine, hip and brain stem. They told Christin there was nothing left they could do for Gracie at this point except help make her comfortable.
How does anyone deal with this kind of information? Well, they decided to fight. And fight they have done. But the cancer is strong and Gracie continues to get more and more ill and is in a great deal of pain. She is unaware of her diagnosis. Gracie is such a beautiful little girl as are all children, but while her body fails you see that her spirit is strong. There is such an amazing girl being held in a body that can not tolerate the cancer.
At this point, now that the holidays are over and all the family on both sides of Christin's and her husbands family have come now they wait. Wait for what? Who is to say but I know I pray every day for peace in their lives. Peace for Gracie, that her body won't hurt anymore, and peace for Christin that her heart will be strong to deal with this most difficult trial.
One thing that has been hard in our home is our children having to face a terminal illness in one of their friends.
Adelle asks almost every day if Gracie is alive. She started to cry today when I started to talk about what we could do for their family, she was worried the news was bad. I have tried to offer comfort, in that Gracie will be an angel here and in heaven whenever that may be.
But to be honest my heart aches. I have been at Christin's side physically and in spirit as much as I can and I know there is nothing I can say or do that will help. I know there is prayer and positive thinking and just being there, but it hurts to watch those you love hurt. That is just the truth of it. Life is unfair and bad things happen. I guess I share this so that those of you out there that read this from time to time might keep their family in your prayers and thoughts. They are in mine always and I feel like in asking for you to help, maybe in some small way I am helping them.
Thank you.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Really Guy?... Really?
The update first: I did see the doctor today and he said that I would need to keep that area clear for another two to three weeks, in other words keep wearing skirts in freezing weather. When I asked him if I could exercise he said of course, he had no problem with me exercising even starting today if I wanted. One problem, this activity usually requires ummmm.... pants or shorts of some sort... except maybe not in his world, but we won't go there. So I guess I will not be doing any running for a while, and I will be working out it the privacy of my own home. Lets all not try and picture that shall we.
And now really, no really my post for today. Have any of you seen the "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live when the news casters talk about a really frustrating subject and just keep saying "really" back and forth to each other. Well, if you have then think of the sound of that really as I tell this story. If you haven't then think of someone saying "are you serious" in a very annoyed tone, but then replace it with "really" and you will have the same effect.
I was at the girls gymnastics class, impatiently waiting for them to finish because my regular chatting buddy wasn't there and I had brought nothing to read or do, and heaven forbid I actually watch them do gymnastics. I did get so bored that I struck up a conversation with the guy holding a very cute little one year old next to me. He was there with his wife and other daughter doing a class and happened to know my friend, who wasn't there. They had even brought the friends daughter that night because said friend had just had her third baby girl a few weeks earlier. (I didn't say my chatting buddy didn't have a good reason for not showing up). As we talked about where we were from, what we did etc... The conversation of how many kids we each had came up. I informed him that I had three girls, two of which were downstairs in gymnastics. Of course I am a polite conversationalist and asked him about how many children they had (I should insert here that at this point his wife was now downstairs helping their unhappy daughter). He then informed me that they had two girls and were thinking about having more, but... his worst fear would be "to have another girl and then they would have three and no boys." REALLY GUY!? REALLY? Did he not just hear me say that I have three girls and funny thing, wasn't he helping a friend who had three girls? I mean that is fine if it is his worst fear, no matter how ridiculous that sounds to have as a worst fear to me, he is entitled to his feelings. I didn't say anything about how dumb his comment just came across to me, but I was seething a bit inside. To keep things in perspective, why should I care what he thinks, but when people are rude and tactless sometimes it really gets to me, especially when it is over something like the sex of children. Aren't the children themselves wonderful gifts (most of the time, when they are behaving) regardless of their sex and wouldn't so many people love to have children that can't regardless of their sex. I mean in what century and country does this guy live? I wondered if his wife had been sitting there if she would have said anything, but I am guessing she probably knows how he feels, she is married to him after all.
Anyway, I talked about this to the friend that was absent, due to the birth of her third daughter. I told her that I thought maybe the guy didn't realize what he had said and hadn't been paying attention. I mean we all say stuff we shouldn't from time to time, and I would feel awful if every dumb thing I said was held against me for forever. But, my girlfriend said that these same friends came over on a later date and he said the same thing again to them. I think the guy needs a brick to the head. Not because he should change his weird thinking, but because he needs some manners. I mean REALLY. We both have three girls and REALLY that is all there will probably be and REALLY we are managing just fine and don't feel as if we have somehow lost a big chunk in our lives.
Sometimes when people can't mind their own business and have the bad manners to ask me if we are done having kids and don't we want a boy I respond with "We have a boy, his name is Dad" We sure love him and while I love all the kids in my life boys and girl I don't think my family is horribly off for not having a little boy. I am sure he would be a joy, but so are our girls and REALLY if it is the worst thing not to have a boy than I am sure screwed up on what is wrong in the world like maybe the lack of a cure for cancer or poverty or hunger. But hey that is just me... REALLY.
And now really, no really my post for today. Have any of you seen the "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live when the news casters talk about a really frustrating subject and just keep saying "really" back and forth to each other. Well, if you have then think of the sound of that really as I tell this story. If you haven't then think of someone saying "are you serious" in a very annoyed tone, but then replace it with "really" and you will have the same effect.
I was at the girls gymnastics class, impatiently waiting for them to finish because my regular chatting buddy wasn't there and I had brought nothing to read or do, and heaven forbid I actually watch them do gymnastics. I did get so bored that I struck up a conversation with the guy holding a very cute little one year old next to me. He was there with his wife and other daughter doing a class and happened to know my friend, who wasn't there. They had even brought the friends daughter that night because said friend had just had her third baby girl a few weeks earlier. (I didn't say my chatting buddy didn't have a good reason for not showing up). As we talked about where we were from, what we did etc... The conversation of how many kids we each had came up. I informed him that I had three girls, two of which were downstairs in gymnastics. Of course I am a polite conversationalist and asked him about how many children they had (I should insert here that at this point his wife was now downstairs helping their unhappy daughter). He then informed me that they had two girls and were thinking about having more, but... his worst fear would be "to have another girl and then they would have three and no boys." REALLY GUY!? REALLY? Did he not just hear me say that I have three girls and funny thing, wasn't he helping a friend who had three girls? I mean that is fine if it is his worst fear, no matter how ridiculous that sounds to have as a worst fear to me, he is entitled to his feelings. I didn't say anything about how dumb his comment just came across to me, but I was seething a bit inside. To keep things in perspective, why should I care what he thinks, but when people are rude and tactless sometimes it really gets to me, especially when it is over something like the sex of children. Aren't the children themselves wonderful gifts (most of the time, when they are behaving) regardless of their sex and wouldn't so many people love to have children that can't regardless of their sex. I mean in what century and country does this guy live? I wondered if his wife had been sitting there if she would have said anything, but I am guessing she probably knows how he feels, she is married to him after all.
Anyway, I talked about this to the friend that was absent, due to the birth of her third daughter. I told her that I thought maybe the guy didn't realize what he had said and hadn't been paying attention. I mean we all say stuff we shouldn't from time to time, and I would feel awful if every dumb thing I said was held against me for forever. But, my girlfriend said that these same friends came over on a later date and he said the same thing again to them. I think the guy needs a brick to the head. Not because he should change his weird thinking, but because he needs some manners. I mean REALLY. We both have three girls and REALLY that is all there will probably be and REALLY we are managing just fine and don't feel as if we have somehow lost a big chunk in our lives.
Sometimes when people can't mind their own business and have the bad manners to ask me if we are done having kids and don't we want a boy I respond with "We have a boy, his name is Dad" We sure love him and while I love all the kids in my life boys and girl I don't think my family is horribly off for not having a little boy. I am sure he would be a joy, but so are our girls and REALLY if it is the worst thing not to have a boy than I am sure screwed up on what is wrong in the world like maybe the lack of a cure for cancer or poverty or hunger. But hey that is just me... REALLY.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New year, time to write a blog post!
So lets get this out of the way first, so I can talk about me :) Our Christmas was lovely. We spent it with Grandma and her husband Jim. We all ate ourselves into oblivion and had a wonderful time together. New Years Eve was a blast!! We spent time with our surrogate family, the Clarks, playing games and once again eating ourselves into oblivion. And now sad day, the kids have to go back to school and the "break" is over. At least for them. I go back to school January 25th so technically I still have a few weeks off. HOORAY!!
So what has been going on in between the time I wrote last, besides the holidays...well lots of stuff, but the main thing on my mind is my surgery. What surgery you ask? Of course there is a back story so here goes...
I found a weird growth/bump in my left upper thigh/groin area in the early spring of 2009. It seemed to keep getting bigger and more painful. I would notice it especially when I would exercise ie riding my bike or running. Finally around the end of September (my last blog post) I went to see my OBGYN. He was very kind and after examining me said "Well, normally I would say lets see how this plays out. I think this is an enlarged lymph node. But given your previous history of cancer I would like you to see and Oncologist". I immediately went into panic mode. I DON'T WANT TO!! That is what I thought anyway. I really don't like the not knowing and waiting that always goes along with this stuff. My imagination can really get carried away. I made the appointment and met with the Oncologist who was while very nice not very comforting. He didn't really have any clue what he was dealing with and due to the size and depth of the bump wanted me to get a PET scan or CT scan. So the scheduling was set, and I was supposed to know if this was cancerous in about five days or less. Well the day before my PET scan (now mid October) I was informed my insurance wouldn't cover it and I would have to wait another week and a half to get the CT. At last the day of the CT came and my very kind friend and person I have deemed my adopted sister, Martie went with me so Shae could get the kids up and off to school. It was at 5am. It took seven days for them to get back to me with the results of the scan telling me that there were no unusual or what looked like cancerous cells in the area. I was now passed to a non cancer doctor, hooray, to discuss my "options". Lets just say this growth was now causing pain that I could have cared less what it was, I wanted it out. So the date was set to get it surgically removed on December 18th a week before Christmas and about four days after my finals at school.
We had to be at the surgery center at 5am. So my Dad, who was visiting made sure to get the kids up and off to school. The surgery went well, but the recovery didn't. I had a bad reaction to the pain medication and ended up stuck at the hospital all day. But hooray the growth was gone and I could start to heal, or so I thought. On Christmas day when we got home, I was in a lot of pain. It had now been a week since my surgery and things didn't seem to be healing well. The next day I was in the ER getting a prescription for an infected surgical site and being told "try not to have anything on the area until you can follow up with your doctor." I asked how I should do that and the doctor suggested skirts. I asked if she realized it was winter and she said yes, that will be cold.
You aren't kidding it is cold. I have taken even more seriously my recovery. I took all my antibiotics and have not worn anything on that area since my er visit. This means I have had to get very creative about staying warm. I managed to find a jean skirt in my closet and thankfully have a few boots. But as you may know wearing the same skirt day in and out can get old, so I found a sweater dress at Target that I can wear different shirts with, knee socks and I am sort of warm. Lets just say if there is a good cold breeze the right direction my behind is very very cold. I will also never judge anyone for wearing a dress or skirt in the winter (not that I did anyway)/ But now I know they might have a really good reason, like trying to let a surgical wound heal.
I have my follow up with the doctor tomorrow and I am hoping to get the all clear to wear pants and exercise. I have not been able to wear pants for two weeks and not been able to seriously exercise since the end of summer.
The other good yet weird news was this. When I called to set up my follow up I asked for my pathology results of the lymph node they removed. I was told "congratulations, it was benign." What do you mean benign I asked, it was just a lymph node. "no, it was actually a cyst and good for you it wasn't cancerous." All I can say is I am glad that I listen to my body. When it tells me it hurts and something is wrong I do something about it.
So if I have seemed disconnected, and not much for blogging or anything else since September, now you know why. On top of school for me and the kids, their busy schedules and dealing with this I had a hard time wanting to communicate to the entire blog world my life. Now that it is out there and almost done I hope to blog about more things on a regular basis. I can't promise, but I will try.
So what has been going on in between the time I wrote last, besides the holidays...well lots of stuff, but the main thing on my mind is my surgery. What surgery you ask? Of course there is a back story so here goes...
I found a weird growth/bump in my left upper thigh/groin area in the early spring of 2009. It seemed to keep getting bigger and more painful. I would notice it especially when I would exercise ie riding my bike or running. Finally around the end of September (my last blog post) I went to see my OBGYN. He was very kind and after examining me said "Well, normally I would say lets see how this plays out. I think this is an enlarged lymph node. But given your previous history of cancer I would like you to see and Oncologist". I immediately went into panic mode. I DON'T WANT TO!! That is what I thought anyway. I really don't like the not knowing and waiting that always goes along with this stuff. My imagination can really get carried away. I made the appointment and met with the Oncologist who was while very nice not very comforting. He didn't really have any clue what he was dealing with and due to the size and depth of the bump wanted me to get a PET scan or CT scan. So the scheduling was set, and I was supposed to know if this was cancerous in about five days or less. Well the day before my PET scan (now mid October) I was informed my insurance wouldn't cover it and I would have to wait another week and a half to get the CT. At last the day of the CT came and my very kind friend and person I have deemed my adopted sister, Martie went with me so Shae could get the kids up and off to school. It was at 5am. It took seven days for them to get back to me with the results of the scan telling me that there were no unusual or what looked like cancerous cells in the area. I was now passed to a non cancer doctor, hooray, to discuss my "options". Lets just say this growth was now causing pain that I could have cared less what it was, I wanted it out. So the date was set to get it surgically removed on December 18th a week before Christmas and about four days after my finals at school.
We had to be at the surgery center at 5am. So my Dad, who was visiting made sure to get the kids up and off to school. The surgery went well, but the recovery didn't. I had a bad reaction to the pain medication and ended up stuck at the hospital all day. But hooray the growth was gone and I could start to heal, or so I thought. On Christmas day when we got home, I was in a lot of pain. It had now been a week since my surgery and things didn't seem to be healing well. The next day I was in the ER getting a prescription for an infected surgical site and being told "try not to have anything on the area until you can follow up with your doctor." I asked how I should do that and the doctor suggested skirts. I asked if she realized it was winter and she said yes, that will be cold.
You aren't kidding it is cold. I have taken even more seriously my recovery. I took all my antibiotics and have not worn anything on that area since my er visit. This means I have had to get very creative about staying warm. I managed to find a jean skirt in my closet and thankfully have a few boots. But as you may know wearing the same skirt day in and out can get old, so I found a sweater dress at Target that I can wear different shirts with, knee socks and I am sort of warm. Lets just say if there is a good cold breeze the right direction my behind is very very cold. I will also never judge anyone for wearing a dress or skirt in the winter (not that I did anyway)/ But now I know they might have a really good reason, like trying to let a surgical wound heal.
I have my follow up with the doctor tomorrow and I am hoping to get the all clear to wear pants and exercise. I have not been able to wear pants for two weeks and not been able to seriously exercise since the end of summer.
The other good yet weird news was this. When I called to set up my follow up I asked for my pathology results of the lymph node they removed. I was told "congratulations, it was benign." What do you mean benign I asked, it was just a lymph node. "no, it was actually a cyst and good for you it wasn't cancerous." All I can say is I am glad that I listen to my body. When it tells me it hurts and something is wrong I do something about it.
So if I have seemed disconnected, and not much for blogging or anything else since September, now you know why. On top of school for me and the kids, their busy schedules and dealing with this I had a hard time wanting to communicate to the entire blog world my life. Now that it is out there and almost done I hope to blog about more things on a regular basis. I can't promise, but I will try.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
So here's the problem - blogging....
So here is the problem with me and blogging..... And yes, I only just realized that is has been over a month since I updated, I am lashing myself in my mind. The problem is I am a tad bit OCD. This means probably not enough to need medication, but enough to be a nuisance to myself, and most surely some of those around me.
I can't do something halfway, or some of the time. I have to either be all in, or out. It is hard for me to have so much of myself in everything all over my life. I have gotten better at dealing with this problem over the years. But, it can lead to me stopping some things where I pick others up. For example- I used to be huge into scrap booking. I did it every night. I was NEVER behind. I had all the photos in order, pages picked out and would very systematically work my way through. Then I had more kids, and I started doing plays again. Well, you can see how this would absorb the extra time scrap booking and because I couldn't sit down and be caught up every time I let it go. I just couldn't stand it.
I don't like to think of myself as a quitter, just a re-prioritizer. This seems to now be the case with my blog. For most people who have read my blog over the last year or longer I have been able to be pretty consistent, in writing as well as following people. I would update my blog and then read others blogs and comment. As the time has passed since I started I have now been attending school full time, my kids keep getting older and busier and I find I have less time to do what I want i.e. blog. And then there is coming up with one thing to say instead of catching up every single time. I feel like I am being dragged down to the bottom of the scrapbook pile and I will never catch up. Because of my OCD I have internal guilt about not catching everything up every time and not staying on top of it to begin with.
So I guess what I am saying is that I am sorry for being a crappy blogger. I don't know how to just do it sort of. I don't know how to just update maybe once a week and pick one thing to say. I am sorry for being so fickle, but I guess I will have to find a balance, not that I haven't been working on it. Thanks to all of you who do follow my sad, slow, blog. One day I will update with more than just the justification of why I don't write. In the meantime, thanks for continuing to blog yourselves, or share your lives on face book. I am always excited to see how everyone is doing.
Love,
Carolyn
I can't do something halfway, or some of the time. I have to either be all in, or out. It is hard for me to have so much of myself in everything all over my life. I have gotten better at dealing with this problem over the years. But, it can lead to me stopping some things where I pick others up. For example- I used to be huge into scrap booking. I did it every night. I was NEVER behind. I had all the photos in order, pages picked out and would very systematically work my way through. Then I had more kids, and I started doing plays again. Well, you can see how this would absorb the extra time scrap booking and because I couldn't sit down and be caught up every time I let it go. I just couldn't stand it.
I don't like to think of myself as a quitter, just a re-prioritizer. This seems to now be the case with my blog. For most people who have read my blog over the last year or longer I have been able to be pretty consistent, in writing as well as following people. I would update my blog and then read others blogs and comment. As the time has passed since I started I have now been attending school full time, my kids keep getting older and busier and I find I have less time to do what I want i.e. blog. And then there is coming up with one thing to say instead of catching up every single time. I feel like I am being dragged down to the bottom of the scrapbook pile and I will never catch up. Because of my OCD I have internal guilt about not catching everything up every time and not staying on top of it to begin with.
So I guess what I am saying is that I am sorry for being a crappy blogger. I don't know how to just do it sort of. I don't know how to just update maybe once a week and pick one thing to say. I am sorry for being so fickle, but I guess I will have to find a balance, not that I haven't been working on it. Thanks to all of you who do follow my sad, slow, blog. One day I will update with more than just the justification of why I don't write. In the meantime, thanks for continuing to blog yourselves, or share your lives on face book. I am always excited to see how everyone is doing.
Love,
Carolyn
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
pictures to fight off sadness
On Monday morning I got the girls up for school. Instead of bounding out of bed Adelle told me she was so tired and wanted to know if she had to go today. I informed her that yes she did, while I was sorry she was tired sadly that is not a good enough reason to miss school. So onto the bus she and Cora went. After school was out I was waiting at the bus stop. When Adelle and Cora exited the bus Adelle came running to my arms and immediately melted down into sobs. When I asked her what happened she just said she was tired and really missed me. So we went home, had a snack and cuddled and all was well with the world. Then, right before Adelle went to sleep she said "Mom, my teacher said that I should bring a picture of you to school with me so I can look at it when I miss you and feel sad." Okay, I thought that is doable. I sent Adelle with the two pictures above. I told her maybe she should put them in her folder so they won't get lost. She told me that was a bad idea because then the teacher would think they were for her and she would keep them and look at the pictures. Okay, I told her do what you want with them then. Today when she got off the bus she was happy and smiley. I asked her if the pictures helped her today. She said "No, I didn't even look at them." Well, that's that. I guess if at some point she gets sad the pictures are there. Otherwise I may need to be the one looking at pictures when I get lonely. I miss my little cuddle buddy, Adelle.
Friday, August 14, 2009
It is so quiet
The kids started back to school on Wednesday. Elise is in 7th grade, Cora 3rd and Adelle Kindergarten. They were so excited, especially Adelle. When the bus arrived she ran on and yelled over her shoulder "bye Mom". So cute. I thought for sure I would be sad or cry but I am not. It is nice to have them all in school. I love our time together but it is good with me that they are growing up. That doesn't mean I don't have my break down and cry moments, like when Adelle lost her first tooth, but I feel really good about it. The weird thing is the quiet. I don't start back to school myself for another week. By eight in the morning everyone is gone and off to school and the only sounds in the house are my breathing and sometimes the air conditioner running. But it is a good quiet, a peaceful quiet. I love the noise I hear right now of my kids in the family room playing and talking, but I love the quiet too. I thought I would be bothered, but it is nice to just be still and hear my own thoughts. The buzzing in my head slows down and I can actually focus. I guess this means besides my kids I am growing up too. I am learning to be by myself as well as be with my family. Change is good and I am enjoying this new change in all our lives.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Last First Tooth
Our little girl lost her first tooth. She is our baby, at five years old. But this means that this will be the last first tooth in our little family, until grandkids that is. Once she realized that a fairy would be visiting her room to retrieve the tooth she could hardly contain her excitement. There was so much wonder about what the tooth fairy looks like, if she would take the tooth somewhere special and what she talks like etc... Not having met the tooth fairy personally I didn't have a lot of great answers. I have to say it is bitter sweet. A lot of last, firsts will happen when it comes to Adelle. Being the baby in the family, that is her lot in life. She will start kindergarten in a month yet another last, first. It does make me feel old and sentimental. I love the memories.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Accordian Cat
Since ShoeShine, our cat, was a baby Shae would do this song he made up:
Accordion Cat, Accordion Cat,
First he's fat
and then he's flat,
Accordion Cat.
This makes us all just laugh so hard because while he does it he squeezes the cat in and out like and accordion, and shoeshine just sits there in his hands like it is no big deal. I know it looks like in the picture he may be yowling at Shae but he was actually just looking up at him.
One other silly thing, Adelle loves to dress him up in doll clothes. Cora was a little worried for the poor guy. But, Shoeshine didn't seem to have any problems with his dress, at least for a few minutes. I had to get a couple pictures of this too. Poor Shoeshine, thank goodness we got him when he was so little and he has grown up being handled by the kids. I am sure most cats would not put up with being put in a dress and used as and accordion.
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